Tacky Jacky & Bowels No Move Part 1

It's been a freaking worl whind. Jacky spent most of her week she was here down at the bar. Several times a night the bar tender would call me up and demand I come get Jacky. The first night I got there and she was atrying to dance, dirty dance, skelton whore strippin right in her Hoverround. Her top was scoooched up over her Playtex Living Bra, showing not only her bra but the age spots and stretch marks on her ta-tas were showing. The barkeep told me she was giving lap dances and putting on a show for free drinks.

That's kinda how it went all week. Jacky would sleep till almost supper time before getting all gussied up and driving her Hoverround to one of the bars and I'd get the late night call. Coupla times the cops brought her to me, insisting I keep her inside with her clothes on, no more bars! I told them I could no more control her than you can make a man do what you wanted in bed.

Finally, the day came when I could load Jacky back on the bus to Oklahoma. The night before she left we almost got into a fist fight because I got another call to come gets her from the bar. I got there and I saw her rubbing up against Eddie like a tramp with an ichy boil on her ass. My Eddie~! My Angel!!!!!!!! Bewfore I knew how it happened I was up on her like a hongry tiger up on a pound of ground round.. Eddie tried to get mee offa her by saying, "Ladies, ladies, ain't no reason to fight, there's enough of the Eddstir to go around."  Now that really set me off! Eddie had to walk between us all the way home to keep me from wailing on her ass.

By the time I got home after dropping Jacky at the bus station and making sure she got on board I started feeling poorly and it went downhill from there...

Part 2 later after I finish drooling ovah Steve Kroft on Sixty Sexy Minutes...

Guests & Friends Stink!

It was aokay I got asked to go home because I had to get ready for my friend Jacky to visit. Jacky and I knew each other from the Sleep Apnea boards and we've been chatting up a storm for months and months. Jacky, like me, is a big beautiful woman and she took Greyhound to me home here from her home in Oklahoma.

She'd saved enough money to take the bus here and then the city bus to my apartment. I was almost ashamed for her to see the place I'm at cuz' it's filled with weirdos, sex offenders and perverts plus my apartment isn't as nice as the last one was. But she seemed like she didn't mind.

Jacky got here yesterday late at night. We sat up and giggled and drank the swankiest of beers before going to bed in the wee hours. She bedded down on my new swanky sofa with the fold out bed.

Now this morning when I got up I noticed Jacky had packed up her suitcase and put it by the front door. She was sitting in her Rascal dressed fancy. I had to asked her what was up because she was supposed to stay the whoel week, not just one part of a day. Jacky tells me in a snotty skeleton whore stuck up tone that surely I did not expect her to stay here with me the entire week. She'd told her servants keepers at the disabled facility that she was visiting me but really she was coming to my town to meet up with her internet boyfriend from the World of Warcraft game. I. Got. Used. For. A. BOOTYCALL!!! How unswanky!

We didn't speak the rest of the morning. I grunted my disapproval when she asked me to pass the sugar bowl and she sat drinking her coffeee ignoring me till he arrived.

This huge handsome muscular man of another raise showed up, came in, took one look at Jacky with her permed puff of thin hair, burgandy pants suit and Rascal and shouted, "Ah Hell Naw!!" and RAN! I don't know what he thought Jacky looked like but it must not have been what he expected. As he was running down the apartment complex hallway Jacky took off after him like she was in the Indy 500, cranking that gear box to 11 chasing that man.

Eventually she came back and blamed her online boyfriend's flight on me. ME? Said I scared him off by looking like fat Betty White on crack. As if!

We've been squabbling every since and Jacky's return ticket isn't until next weekend. So I'm stuck with her now. Right now she's out, she rode her Rascal down to the bar down the road and was muttering something about getting a bus to the Indian Casino. I don't know.

18 Wheels!

I could not believe it but yesterday after the crew came back for lunch the supervisor pulled me aside and told me to go home. He fired me from my canteen duty! He tried to say I was eating too much of the supplies and some of the acktual workers was going hungery.

As if! I'm too swanky to be stealing and eating baloney sammishes and potato chips! Just as well as it was boring as hell most of the time. At least now I can stay inside in the air conditioning and watch my stories.

So I rode my Rascal away from the work site, towards the apartments. It was a long trek but before I knew it a nice truck driver stopped to give me a ride, in more ways than one! AND he let me order whatever I wanted at Burger Queen afterwards!

He pulled up next to me as I rode home. I could see right away he was all romanical by the way he held his dildo and waved it in the air. He had a sticker on the window of his truck that sayd "Shoe Me Your Boobs" So I did. Strapped my Rascal on the back with his rubber chilcken. I rode him, he rode me. By the time he dropped me off at my apartment I was sore and bowlegged. I got beard burn on my boobies too. Filled up in all ways including my stomach.

Getting so much hot action lately that I have no need to read any of L Anne Carrington's stupid stolen porn she published in those Cougars and Studs books of hers. Why read stuff lifted from other porn by other people when you can live it!

Storms, Gardening and Loving

Sorry dear readerss I haven't been around. Some nimrod do-gooder at the halfway house for sex offenders, ehh, my new apartment complex decided that we all should pay society back by beautifying picking up trash along the scenic roadways in our town.

That was immmmediate a problem for mes because I'm in a Rascal because of my back, my knees, my hearing, my butt, my legs and all the other parts that ain't working right. I can't be picking up nothing, lifing nothing or planting nothing.

So's they made me be the canteen person. Every day when we go out I get deposited at a central location with the canteen and have 'ta make up so many samwiches, iced tea, dole out chips and sides plus maintain the drinks supply. I gets this done in a hurry, parks my self in the shade and read.

It's pretty boring and I'm alone out there most of the day. But sometimes it is most fulfilling. And profitableish. Take day before yesterday, there I was wearing my sexiest shorts and a t-shirt proclaiming me a volunteeer sex offender taking part in the road beautifucation thing. This truck rolls up with this hot stud driving it. He looked about 50-60, with sliver hair, mustache, etc, impressive mountain of hot man meat. He stares at me and my 56ZZZ boobs before driving off, turning his truck around and parking right behind the canteen.

Turns out he wanted me, offered me five whole bucks to give him a blowjob in the bushes. Oh, I gave me that and more! I rode him like he was a bad bad pony AND I had enough moolah afterwards to get a couple of boxes of Little Debbie Cakes and some Cokes.

A week before that it had been so hot outside that after I got the sammwiches made up I climbed down to a nearby creek and went skinny dipping. As I paddled about this hot guy came up, leaning on his walker, stripped off and joined me. We swam and then fucked in the water like a couple of horny trout. He gave me three bucks for the trouble!

So by the time I get home now I'm exhausnted, worn out and haven't had much enthusiam from the computer. I flop into bed and dream about having fun with more hot horny studs out there by the side of the road.

For bonus points I do believe between the heat and the L Anne like action I'm starting to lose weight!

Memorial Day

Decided when I got up this morning to make a  run down to the Piggly Wiggly across town to get some of the delish Faygo soda in celebration of the holiday. It's been so damn hot so I wanted to get it out of the way early. Sweating is so so unswanky and gracious classy ladies never sweat

I was almost out of the complex when I got flagged down by Doreetha, a lady there that is missing both of her legs, something to do wtih her blood sugars and meth. Doreetha isn't able to get a Hoverround for some reason, but she does have a wheelchair. She wanted to hitch a ride with me to the store. Her idea was to hold onto the back of my hoverround and I'd pull her wheelchair along behind me.

This time nothing bad happened, not like when  Cyndia stood on the back of my old Rascal and fell off, accusing me of trying to kill her. Doreetha is a sight more sensible and steady than Cyndia was with her Coke bottle bottom glasses and lack of decent balance.

We made good time down to the Piggly Wiggly except some jackasses kept honking, pointing and laughing at the two of us trekking down the road.  One big jerk even took a picture of us, after I yelled at him for stopping, staring and laughing. I yelled at him to take a picture because it would surely last longer. I could tell he was warm for my womanly form.

After we got our stuff and headed back to our apartment complex the laughing guy that took a picture showed up in his truck, asked me if I wanted to go for a ride on his boat. Did I call that right or what? I knew I'd spotted lust in this eyes.

We rode down to the river after he threw my Hoverround in the back of his F150 pickup truck. Told me his name was Bill, he was new to the area and was supposed to bring a date to this boating jaunt his friends invited him to. But when we got to the marina his two pals took one look at me as Bill was helping me get situatied on my Hoverround and brayed with laughter like two stupid asses. One of them pointed at me and said, "Bill, who told you to bring a blimp along? You that afraid of falling in the water that you gotta bring something that big that floats?"

Well sir I was so upset by their remarks that I gunned it, spinning gravel all over those two idiots. But not before I lifted their cooler. Once I got home I had the last laugh as it was packed with beer and all the fixings for hot dogs and a bag of chips.

I just don't understand why it didn't work out like it did for L Anne in her fiction porn tales. I didn't get screwed by a gang of hot guys in a boat on the river like her. Why oh why?

Maybe Bill will show up here again.

I know I'm a big beautiful swanky sexy woman regardless of what those mean jerks said.

Hot Hot Hot!!

It ain't any easier to get around with a hurting back and my Hoverround. While I was recovering my back at the rehab place stuck with old timers my Hoverround was getting fixed at the Hoverround place. It got messed up pretty bad from the banana peels and bananas smushed on the wheels and the cracked plastic bits from the collision but Noah is in good shape now, better than I am.

I named my Hoverround for L Anne Carrington's favorite actor, Noah Wylie. She used to really love him.

Thank you ladies of the social services rehab board they getting someone to come in and clean my place while I'm still kinda laid up some. Being gone for a month meant the place was dusty and smelled like Mr. Jenkins truss because I'd left my place filled with food in the fridge while I was gone. When the cleaner lady left with my food stamps and a shopping list I decided I felt too peckish to wait so I went out on my Hoverround to the nearby KFC for one of those delicious Double Downs sandwiches, some mashed taters & mac & cheese plus two of those dessert cakes. It's only a few doors down from my new appartment so I was able to scarve down that good meal but I didn't feel bad about it. After all, the Double Downs don't have bread on it, so that's some carbs gone and everyone knows mashed potatoes and mac cheese are good vegetables, just like my pesky social worker Meagan insists I eats.I brought back the cakse for later. After the maid leaves I'm going to make a chocolate poptart bacon sandwich for dinner. Mm bacon, is there anything it cain't fix?

The drag was coming back to the apartment complex. Most of the people here are weird, low class and just too strange. When I rolled back through some geezer started harrassing me insisiting he knewI took his Cheesy Whiz can out of his apartment and a bunch more folks about spare changed me to death on my way back. There's real crazy people, criminals and sexual perverts in this place. I don't belong here.

So I'm staying inside with my new copies of L Anne Carrington's new porno books, Cougars and Studs and Cougars and Studs 2. I don't care what those hateful snickering skeleton whores says, L Anne is a great writer even if some of her stuff sounds very much like porn I've read elsewhere. It's at least as good as that 50 Shades junk. I seem to remember someone with a name like BBWForYOungerGuys writing some stories exactly like this for free online.

Back Bacon Brownies

I have posted and this time it's not because I'm in the service of the state in jail but because I've been laid up. Lost my volunteering gig at the Food Pantry because those old peahens running the place accused me of stealing meat and Duncan Hines. They started chasing me, demanding to search because the bacon and brownie mix count was short in the warehouse. Of all the nerve, I was not about to let a buncha of ancient skeleton whores touch me with their gray scaley old clause so I cranked my Hoverround in high gear and high taled it out of there.

Unforch I ran into the product guy bringing the dinged up produce for the Food Pantry to have. I hit that produce guy at about thirty five mph in my Hoverround, bananas flew out of his hands and my Hoverround got banana peels caught in the wheels. I lost control and slammed into a brick wall before flying out of the chair and hurting my back. I was twisted up like a pretzel on the sidewalk and it did something to my back. Spent a few weeks in the rehab place in traction. Don't remember much because they keept me all strung out on Oxycontin.

I still cannot walk very far and feel dizzy whenever I sit up too long.

But I have a pile of bacon in the freezer and a couple of boxes of brownie mix calling my name..

Oh Eddie You So Fine!

Haven't posted cuz I've been busier than L Anne Carrington at a self publishing romance wrestling writers convention stealing others proses.

Meagan my social worker is makin' me volunteer down at the Food Pantry three times a week. It's boring. I sit in my Hoverround, wait for a list of shit some boyd is begging for to be brought down on the convaer belt and I shove it all in paper sacks. I have to do this three hours a day three days a week. She says it's all about helping others paying society back for my crimes. 


One nice thing about workin' there is coming home with a grocery bag fulla stuff to eat every few days. Today I scored 3 cans of sauerkraut, a couple packs of macaroni cheese nad spam. Plus socks! Some crazy church decided all poor people needed new socks and flooded the joint with piles of new socks. I got a swanky pair, hot pink and lime green stripes in the fuzzy nap.

No progress on the Eddie front. He teases me like he knows I wants it but secretly I knows he wants me. He's still stealing my panties off the porch and he's returning them used if you know what I mean. I think I'm going to pin an invite into the drawers for him to come over for dinner one night. I can afix grilled spam, mac & cheese and canned fruit mixed with mini marshmellow and koolwhip. Men like food like that.

I know he wants my womanly cruves and all natural 56ZZZs. I'd be so good to him, better than I was to Cletus Ridge McStuddmuffin

When I'm not working I've been going down to the Goodwill to try and get furnishings for my new home. Somehow some of my bestest stuff disappeared when it was in the storage.

Sore Ankles

Yesterday I hobbled around, reading my copy of L. Anne Carrington's book "50" Thought I'd give it a read while I was out of commission from falling through that defective coffee table while danczing seductively for Eddie.

I looks like gremlins have been nawing on my legs.

Round about noon I decided to hang my delicates out on my porch. I draped them over the rail of the handicapped ramp I ride my Hoverround up and down to get in my apartment. I'm gonna be back on the Hoverround for awhile because of my legs. People round here tried to borrow it a couple of times to ride down to the liquior store in comfort but I says no.

I went back inside to warm up a pan of Cinnabon rolls for mid afternoon third snack and when i went into the living room there was Eddie in plain view a sanatching up my black spandex Spankalikes in size 12X, He grabbed my black psanks, some panties and my feathered baby doll nighty and ran off with them, panting like a fiend.

See! I knew it! He likes me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snap Crack 'em Pop

I was so excited last night! We were finally gonna have an social event at the complex. The last place I lived had all kinds of stuff to do, bingo, canasta, ball room dancing, coupon trading night, you name it! We even usedta have a shuttle bus to the Piggly WIggly on Senior Citizen Day. But this joint usually has nothing. Just manditoary meetings down in the community classroom where some snotty bitch talks about 'Good touch' versus 'Bad touch' or tries to get everyone to take saltpeter pills.

When the flyer went out saying they were gonna have a 'get to know your neighbor' mixer I was so excited I had to run down to Fashion Bug to try and get somethign to wear. Their clothes gotten too expensive so I ended up at Wal Mart. Got a tropical peasant dress in oranges, peaches and browns, apush up bra and some sort of girdle contraption. The people down at the rehab center that work on my back keep telling me I should be trussing myself up in a truss contraption to support my back and my stomach muscles.

I was hoping so hard that Crazy Eddie the piana tuner would be there. He's been making eyes at me since I moved in. He looks sort of like Wilford Brimley with really really long hair and his head is baldish on top. If I squint hard I can pretend he's Noah Wiley when he's old. After asking around I found out that Eddie is here because he kept having tons of DUIs but the last DUI he ran his jeep into through the front window of a Curves workout studio, the same one I used to go too, jumpt out of his car screaming about wanting a lady before he started sniffing all the seats of the equipment. Seat sniffing unfairly labeled him a sex offender, which is why he's here.

It gives us something in common because I was accused of humping the equipment seats before being banned from Curves. People kept reporting I wasn't working out I was rubbing up and getting off. So I know what being imprisoned on some idiots lie is like.

Took real specual care getting ready. I put on my new girdle and bra, put on my dress and wore a new pair of fancy sparkly sandels with high heels. I was groaning when I walked at first because I haven't worn high heels in a coon's age.  But I wanted to look sexy and alluring. Even used more makeup than I usually do and styled my short hair standing straight up with sparkly gel.

The party was a bust. People milling around shoveling veinna sausages in jelly in they mouths and washign them down with Nehi sodas. The other appitizer was moon pies cut into slivers with toothpicks driven in them like a stake through a vampires heart on. Normally I'd have been eating like it was my last meal but the appitite I had tonight was not for food...but for loving.

By the time I figured out where Crazy Eddie was that handsome man had ladies plenty hanging off his Fu Manchu sideburns. There was One Eyed Tess, the gal that chopped off her husband's Willy when he tried to wake her up. I also spotted former meth addict and hooker Twicia, smiling like she had teeth instead of blackened stubbs. Even old Mrs. Lester was cooing and flirting with Crazy Eddie.

I just knew in my heart of hearts I had to take bold measures to capture the attention of my future boyfirend Eddie so I switched the CD to something lively, but I musta hit the wrong button because instead of "These Boots" the song that started blaring out was "Oh Mickey" just as I jumped up on the coffee table and started dancing the Watusi Wagon Wheel.

 I'd spent all week learnin' that dance by watching "Burlesque" all week and practicing..Old Missus Sue downstairs kept pounding on my floor and her ceiling telling me to knock off the noise.

The room grew silent as I started dancing that Watusia like my life depended on that shit. But... one of my heels broke and then the other one snapped. As I started to fall my girdle gave way with a mighty rubbery 'thwaaappp' sound, flew across the room and wapped Eddie right in the head. He passed out just as the coffee table gave way and I fell through.

Didn't get laid, the only thing I got for my troubles were laughed at and a trip to the ER to get splinters from the coffee table picked out of my shins and feet.

Less Large & In Charge

Sorry I've been so gone so long. I've been..uh... errr.. in the mental hospital.. eeek.... in prison... aruhhh.. living under a bush.... hmmm... travelin', that's right, traveling. Travelin' in the service of the state.. as an undercover picking up trash by the side of the road with a armed prison guard watching agent. I got to see how our interstate road works system and restrooms aren manned and washed and trash picked up..

One thing I can say 'bout travenlin around. Don't ever take some retardo kids Halloween candies.

During my traveils my apartment was leased out to someone else. But my social worker Meagan got me into another place. It's nicer in some ways, it's for elderly and disabled sex offenders/jailbirds. I have my own washer and dryzer right in my unit but it's smaller. Once we got my stuff outta storage we had to give some to Goodwill, lkike my king zied bed. I had to get a double sized to fit the bedroom. I went from a tousand square feet to only sevenn hundred fifty square feet.

During my service to the state I threw out my back mightly. So now I have as many Vicodin, Percocsts, Oxys, muscle relaxers, whatevers I need. No more uh, borrowing, them from others. Plus I don't have to do stupid stuff like work filing at Meagans office.

You'd think all this woulda made me gain weigh but no, I've lost seven pounds since the first of the year. If I keep loosing at this rate I'll be skeleton whore skinny in about 4 years.

And... I think I have a new boyfriend on the horizon. His name is Crazy Eddie. One of his eyes crosses but I think it gives him a look of dashing debonair daring handsome.. he's a pieanna tuner and says that he was railroaded. I guess that means he musta worked for Norfolk Southern at one time.