Yesterday I hobbled around, reading my copy of L. Anne Carrington's book "50" Thought I'd give it a read while I was out of commission from falling through that defective coffee table while danczing seductively for Eddie.
I looks like gremlins have been nawing on my legs.
Round about noon I decided to hang my delicates out on my porch. I draped them over the rail of the handicapped ramp I ride my Hoverround up and down to get in my apartment. I'm gonna be back on the Hoverround for awhile because of my legs. People round here tried to borrow it a couple of times to ride down to the liquior store in comfort but I says no.
I went back inside to warm up a pan of Cinnabon rolls for mid afternoon third snack and when i went into the living room there was Eddie in plain view a sanatching up my black spandex Spankalikes in size 12X, He grabbed my black psanks, some panties and my feathered baby doll nighty and ran off with them, panting like a fiend.
See! I knew it! He likes me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
Snap Crack 'em Pop
I was so excited last night! We were finally gonna have an social event at the complex. The last place I lived had all kinds of stuff to do, bingo, canasta, ball room dancing, coupon trading night, you name it! We even usedta have a shuttle bus to the Piggly WIggly on Senior Citizen Day. But this joint usually has nothing. Just manditoary meetings down in the community classroom where some snotty bitch talks about 'Good touch' versus 'Bad touch' or tries to get everyone to take saltpeter pills.
When the flyer went out saying they were gonna have a 'get to know your neighbor' mixer I was so excited I had to run down to Fashion Bug to try and get somethign to wear. Their clothes gotten too expensive so I ended up at Wal Mart. Got a tropical peasant dress in oranges, peaches and browns, apush up bra and some sort of girdle contraption. The people down at the rehab center that work on my back keep telling me I should be trussing myself up in a truss contraption to support my back and my stomach muscles.
I was hoping so hard that Crazy Eddie the piana tuner would be there. He's been making eyes at me since I moved in. He looks sort of like Wilford Brimley with really really long hair and his head is baldish on top. If I squint hard I can pretend he's Noah Wiley when he's old. After asking around I found out that Eddie is here because he kept having tons of DUIs but the last DUI he ran his jeep into through the front window of a Curves workout studio, the same one I used to go too, jumpt out of his car screaming about wanting a lady before he started sniffing all the seats of the equipment. Seat sniffing unfairly labeled him a sex offender, which is why he's here.
It gives us something in common because I was accused of humping the equipment seats before being banned from Curves. People kept reporting I wasn't working out I was rubbing up and getting off. So I know what being imprisoned on some idiots lie is like.
Took real specual care getting ready. I put on my new girdle and bra, put on my dress and wore a new pair of fancy sparkly sandels with high heels. I was groaning when I walked at first because I haven't worn high heels in a coon's age. But I wanted to look sexy and alluring. Even used more makeup than I usually do and styled my short hair standing straight up with sparkly gel.
The party was a bust. People milling around shoveling veinna sausages in jelly in they mouths and washign them down with Nehi sodas. The other appitizer was moon pies cut into slivers with toothpicks driven in them like a stake through a vampires heart on. Normally I'd have been eating like it was my last meal but the appitite I had tonight was not for food...but for loving.
By the time I figured out where Crazy Eddie was that handsome man had ladies plenty hanging off his Fu Manchu sideburns. There was One Eyed Tess, the gal that chopped off her husband's Willy when he tried to wake her up. I also spotted former meth addict and hooker Twicia, smiling like she had teeth instead of blackened stubbs. Even old Mrs. Lester was cooing and flirting with Crazy Eddie.
I just knew in my heart of hearts I had to take bold measures to capture the attention of my future boyfirend Eddie so I switched the CD to something lively, but I musta hit the wrong button because instead of "These Boots" the song that started blaring out was "Oh Mickey" just as I jumped up on the coffee table and started dancing the Watusi Wagon Wheel.
I'd spent all week learnin' that dance by watching "Burlesque" all week and practicing..Old Missus Sue downstairs kept pounding on my floor and her ceiling telling me to knock off the noise.
The room grew silent as I started dancing that Watusia like my life depended on that shit. But... one of my heels broke and then the other one snapped. As I started to fall my girdle gave way with a mighty rubbery 'thwaaappp' sound, flew across the room and wapped Eddie right in the head. He passed out just as the coffee table gave way and I fell through.
Didn't get laid, the only thing I got for my troubles were laughed at and a trip to the ER to get splinters from the coffee table picked out of my shins and feet.
When the flyer went out saying they were gonna have a 'get to know your neighbor' mixer I was so excited I had to run down to Fashion Bug to try and get somethign to wear. Their clothes gotten too expensive so I ended up at Wal Mart. Got a tropical peasant dress in oranges, peaches and browns, apush up bra and some sort of girdle contraption. The people down at the rehab center that work on my back keep telling me I should be trussing myself up in a truss contraption to support my back and my stomach muscles.
I was hoping so hard that Crazy Eddie the piana tuner would be there. He's been making eyes at me since I moved in. He looks sort of like Wilford Brimley with really really long hair and his head is baldish on top. If I squint hard I can pretend he's Noah Wiley when he's old. After asking around I found out that Eddie is here because he kept having tons of DUIs but the last DUI he ran his jeep into through the front window of a Curves workout studio, the same one I used to go too, jumpt out of his car screaming about wanting a lady before he started sniffing all the seats of the equipment. Seat sniffing unfairly labeled him a sex offender, which is why he's here.
It gives us something in common because I was accused of humping the equipment seats before being banned from Curves. People kept reporting I wasn't working out I was rubbing up and getting off. So I know what being imprisoned on some idiots lie is like.
Took real specual care getting ready. I put on my new girdle and bra, put on my dress and wore a new pair of fancy sparkly sandels with high heels. I was groaning when I walked at first because I haven't worn high heels in a coon's age. But I wanted to look sexy and alluring. Even used more makeup than I usually do and styled my short hair standing straight up with sparkly gel.
The party was a bust. People milling around shoveling veinna sausages in jelly in they mouths and washign them down with Nehi sodas. The other appitizer was moon pies cut into slivers with toothpicks driven in them like a stake through a vampires heart on. Normally I'd have been eating like it was my last meal but the appitite I had tonight was not for food...but for loving.
By the time I figured out where Crazy Eddie was that handsome man had ladies plenty hanging off his Fu Manchu sideburns. There was One Eyed Tess, the gal that chopped off her husband's Willy when he tried to wake her up. I also spotted former meth addict and hooker Twicia, smiling like she had teeth instead of blackened stubbs. Even old Mrs. Lester was cooing and flirting with Crazy Eddie.
I just knew in my heart of hearts I had to take bold measures to capture the attention of my future boyfirend Eddie so I switched the CD to something lively, but I musta hit the wrong button because instead of "These Boots" the song that started blaring out was "Oh Mickey" just as I jumped up on the coffee table and started dancing the Watusi Wagon Wheel.
I'd spent all week learnin' that dance by watching "Burlesque" all week and practicing..Old Missus Sue downstairs kept pounding on my floor and her ceiling telling me to knock off the noise.
The room grew silent as I started dancing that Watusia like my life depended on that shit. But... one of my heels broke and then the other one snapped. As I started to fall my girdle gave way with a mighty rubbery 'thwaaappp' sound, flew across the room and wapped Eddie right in the head. He passed out just as the coffee table gave way and I fell through.
Didn't get laid, the only thing I got for my troubles were laughed at and a trip to the ER to get splinters from the coffee table picked out of my shins and feet.
Less Large & In Charge
Sorry I've been so gone so long. I've been..uh... errr.. in the mental hospital.. eeek.... in prison... aruhhh.. living under a bush.... hmmm... travelin', that's right, traveling. Travelin' in the service of the state.. as an undercover picking up trash by the side of the road with a armed prison guard watching agent. I got to see how our interstate road works system and restrooms aren manned and washed and trash picked up..
One thing I can say 'bout travenlin around. Don't ever take some retardo kids Halloween candies.
During my traveils my apartment was leased out to someone else. But my social worker Meagan got me into another place. It's nicer in some ways, it's for elderly and disabledsex offenders/jailbirds. I have my own washer and dryzer right in my unit but it's smaller. Once we got my stuff outta storage we had to give some to Goodwill, lkike my king zied bed. I had to get a double sized to fit the bedroom. I went from a tousand square feet to only sevenn hundred fifty square feet.
During my service to the state I threw out my back mightly. So now I have as many Vicodin, Percocsts, Oxys, muscle relaxers, whatevers I need. No more uh, borrowing, them from others. Plus I don't have to do stupid stuff like work filing at Meagans office.
You'd think all this woulda made me gain weigh but no, I've lost seven pounds since the first of the year. If I keep loosing at this rate I'll be skeleton whore skinny in about 4 years.
And... I think I have a new boyfriend on the horizon. His name is Crazy Eddie. One of his eyes crosses but I think it gives him a look of dashing debonair daring handsome.. he's a pieanna tuner and says that he was railroaded. I guess that means he musta worked for Norfolk Southern at one time.
One thing I can say 'bout travenlin around. Don't ever take some retardo kids Halloween candies.
During my traveils my apartment was leased out to someone else. But my social worker Meagan got me into another place. It's nicer in some ways, it's for elderly and disabled
During my service to the state I threw out my back mightly. So now I have as many Vicodin, Percocsts, Oxys, muscle relaxers, whatevers I need. No more uh, borrowing, them from others. Plus I don't have to do stupid stuff like work filing at Meagans office.
You'd think all this woulda made me gain weigh but no, I've lost seven pounds since the first of the year. If I keep loosing at this rate I'll be skeleton whore skinny in about 4 years.
And... I think I have a new boyfriend on the horizon. His name is Crazy Eddie. One of his eyes crosses but I think it gives him a look of dashing debonair daring handsome.. he's a pieanna tuner and says that he was railroaded. I guess that means he musta worked for Norfolk Southern at one time.
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