Dueling Corndogs

Woke up this morning and I can barely move.

Getting over to the fair late last night for my date I didn't see anyone else around. Thought that was kinda weird. It was dark and spooky. I kept walking around, calling for Red, hoping he liked my see through muu muu and bright lime green undies. Hey, it worked for that skeleton whore Carrie Bradshaw.

What happened next thook my breath away. I was grabbed, keel hauled, roped, chained and stripped in the center of the inflated boucy castle. I couldn't believe it! IT was like twenty carnies in that bouncy castle and theyt started taking turns fucking every one of my hooles. Calling  me a dirty whore and a cum guzzler while stuffing cocks in my mouth, pussy and juicy ass. I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT!! I cummed hundreds of times and I think I saw/hear a camera rolling. At one point three of them fucked me with left over fried corn dogs, in and out, in and out at the same time. I felt like I was gonna explode with cocks! By the end I was cum covered and have pussy juice, jizz and corn dog grease rubbed into every surface of my body. I asked them if I could 'see' them all next year and if they'd bring some friends. I love slutting it up sometimes. I'm still picking corn dog pieces out of my cooter and ass today. Getting turned on just thinking about garaging all that cock in my hot pussy.

Tilt My World

Bored, bored and more bored. No yummy Adam Lambert on teevee, no Noah Wylie to be seen and nothing new in wrassling or UFC. I puttered around today in an anxious state awaiting the moving in of Ridge McStuddmuffins with nothing to do. My apartment is spick and spann, I even shined the wheels on my Hoverround and ironed all my muu-muus.

So this evening I decided to dip into the can of cash in my own freezer, left over from cleaning Mary Lynn's apartment. I've already run through the dough from the Yatching club, travel ing is expenssive. Disgustic isn't it? I have been trying to hold out until the 1st when my check comes from the government along with a new moths foodstamps allotment. I've even trying to be thrifty with the USDA food giveaway stuff because no one knows what the fuc is going to happen with this crazy government run by neegros and women.

But... the carnival is in town. Yummy cotton candy, corndogs, boardwalk frieds and the like. Hot greazy carnies. A man buffet.

Dressed in my finest, a black tube top, jean shorts and my black crocs, classy, elegant and casual all at the same time. Rode the Hoverround down to the fairgrounds but had a hellluvatime navigating it over the coarse stubble of the grass. After I'd eaten my fill of cotton candy I'd laciviously licked a corndog in front of a few carnies at the food area and now, I've gota  couple of dates for later tonight. I came right home after a few rides and lots of food to get ready. Red the carnie tells me that you ain't seen nothing till you ride the Tiltowhorl nekkid. I have a feeling i'm about to find out.

Buttered McStuddmuffin

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Swanky Time In The Baptismal Font

Yesterday after I got my government cheese and other provisions I decided to wait outside for my dream man/crush/soon to be neighbor to come along. I wanted to make it seem like a big coincidence, cuz it was, that we were both there at the same time. Both of us at the Power O God Mount Zion Greater Deliverance Ministry Baptist Church at the same time! It's fatte!

Boy, did it turn out to be more than my wildest dreams! He came out and I smiled my widest, battered my eyelashes and pushed out my natural womanly 52ZZZ breasts and said, "Fancy meeting you here sir." He shifted his groceries to his hip while holding onto his cane and took my hand in his. He. Kissed. My. Hand! Swwoon!

Told me his name was Cletus Clydeburn err, Ridge McStuddmuffins and he liked a woman with some meat on her bones. We ended up sneaking off to the empty baptismal pool under the church pulpit area, giggling in the dark, sharing USDA grape juice, cereal and government cheese as we talked. He used to be in the military and then was a bouncer for a long time. Now he's disabled and looking for love.

One thing lead to another and we started making out. I was so glad I didn't wear any panties today because all mine were dirty and skidmarked up and I ain't have time to wash them. He's quite the lover, he took masterful control of me, smacking my ass as we did it doggy style, using that government cheese as lube. Too bad we didn't get a chance to finish but Ridge started shouting endearments during our hide his salami fest, he started smacking my ass and shouting sweet things like, 'Yodel like a rodeo clown! Now.. now.. pretend you're a bucket of clam chowder and I'm a hot spoon, melt baby, melt..!'

Isn't he the sweetest? Anywhays,  his love talk brought some of those stuck up skeleton whore repressed religious folks and we were kicked out and banned! I never cared for the Baptists anyhoo.

Cannot wait till Ridge moves in and I get to show him I'm the queen of blowjobs. i do them best.

And all this getting so heatted up is making me lose some weight. Ride me cowboy!

Holy Crap!

Holy crap! I'm in line at the FDA food distribution and he's HERE!!! The new guy moving in. He's just a few people behind me in line. What shall I say, what shall I do? Spirit of L Anne don't fail me now!

Looking For That Love Connection

I've been trying to sort out Mary Lynn's crap, put it into boxes (except for a few items that caught my eye that I know she'd want me to have, like her teevee set from the bedroom and most of her jewelry) and clean. It ain't been easy. She's got the weirdest stuff, like I found a box of false teeth and some other odd items. It looks like she's been the apartment kleptomaniac! She's been hording random stuff that's been blamed on me for a coons age. Sly devil.

She also had about a cool thou in cash in a coffee tin in the freezer. It's mine now. Same with all her drugs. Mine, all mine.

Her family showed up, hauled her possessions away this weekend and paid me the grand sum of two hundred for all the packing and cleaning I did. Management has already started painting and recarpeting to put someone new in by the beginning of August. I hope it's the hot guy I met the other day touring the place. He was so gorgious, graying curls, the face and body of Adonis and gentle eyes, reminds me of a older version of Lori Anne Carrington's hero in her book. I'd bet he was once a wrestler. I hope to get to know him much MUCH better. He kept asking my name so I gave him the name I hope to change my name to soon, it's much classier than my real one - Laurie Ann Carrtonning.

Because I have him to look forward to I've been trying mightly to eat those nasty fruits and veggies and been going to Curves every single day. If I'm going to ride him like a love-starved mule it would be nice to be a few pounds lighter. God knows I have to compete with all the horny old skeleton whore skanky sluts in this joint. You'd think vibrators were outlawed by the way these old birds try to seduce every man in their path. I know their games.

Gonna spend some of my new money on a swanky lingere set down at the Fashion Bug, a pink & green baby doll nighty and matching G-string. He'll never be able to resist that and my all natural womanly 52ZZZ boobies.

Meagan & The Coppers

Sos I'm home again, washing out my dainties and other laundry, figuring that I'd unpack & wash today while watching a Lifetime movie. But my Social Worker Meagan came around this morning with other ideas.

Again with the nagging about working out and eating right. Again, taken down to the Piggly Wiggly and being forced to blow what was left of my food stamps on crap like vegetables. Meagan loaded my cart with brocolli and apples and other scary types of food. The only food I like that she allowed me was lean ham slices. Tried to get a set of pork chops only to have her preach to me that I had to get lean pork loin instead. This is getting old. Now she's threatening to come over and educate me on nutriction and cooking. She made me an appointment tomorrow with a nutrictionalist. I'm not looking forward to it.

And I was dropped by Curves and forced to work out on those machiens of theirs. I just about had heart failure, hottest day of the year and I'm being manipulated by machinery! Sweat like a Baptist minister in a whore house before I was done.

Meagan would not leave me in peace, forced me to buy stuff I don't want, sweat like a hog and she prepared my dinner of sprouts and stuff not fit to eat. The veggies she cooked were still crunchy! Cooked veggies are supposed to be soft and squishy.

I got nothing done, no handwashing of delicate lady stuff, no swanky dresses run through the washer/dryer, no Lifetime movies watched. Was getting ready to lay down and pass out for awhile after Meagan left when the cops showed up. They were investigating the missing money from the Yatching club but I played dumm and said I'd never been there even when they showed me a still from the tape. It was grainy and didn't look much like me. I managed to convince them I would never trapse around dressed like a whore on the 4th. They seemed to believe me and finally left.

Ended up raiding Mary Lynn's refrigerator for some leftover stuff for dinner and tossed out that nasty vegetable dinner Meagan left for me. I was hoping tomorrow to start cleaning and clearing Mary Lynn's place but what with the nutricianalist appointment and my undone dirty drawers it looks like next week before I start. Plus we got to have a memorial for Mary Lynn for the community.

Taking In The Sights

I've been wending my way back to my home and the Pennsylvania Turnpike took me near my idol Lori Anne Denick Carrington's home so I decided I had to see her live, close up and in person. I wanted to see just how tiny she is now after all that weight loss surgery she keeps talking about in person. Plus I wanted my copy of 'The Cruiserweight' signed by that one, small or large.

Parked my ass in front of her apartment complex today with enough groceries to keep me occupied all day, Fritos, ice cream sammiches (had to eat first because it was hotter than Adam Lambert's Glambulge today), cookies, bagels, Sprite and other foods. I made sure I got the low fat low sugar varities. I watched... and watched...... and watched...... and nuttin'. All I saw was a bunch of very very old folks, even more old and decrepiant than the ones where I live. There was a smattering of very fat ladys too but none that looked as lovely as my thinspiration - Lori Anne. Just a bunch of super lardos.

When my ass started sticking to the fake leather seats on the rental car I figured it was time to go along. Wasted day. No sightings of her and the Pittsburg burbs seemed kind of dull after the last couple of weeks.  Got the runs from the food and it was hard finding a nearby public restroom.

Too bad to because I made a swanky doll to give her.

The Dog Ete My Oxycondine

Oh man, this has been a strange long trip. I took off to Detroit after my class reunion, hoping that the Super 8 doesn't catch me for the destruction to the room. Good thing I signed into the joint as one of those skeleton whores at the Yatch club.

Detroit was a huge disappointment. No hot men. Nothing but a baseball staduim, scary looking parts of town and janky janky unswanky places. I stayed a couple of days at a Motel 6 and nothing happened. No men, no excitement, no nothing. No place I went had anything happening so I couldn't decide what to do. I was still hiding from the Shitshewanna town police, Mary Lynn's family and the Super 8 folks in Lansing. Oh, and the Michigan State Police after I switched plates on the rental car.

My cell phone kept ringing over and over while I was hiding out in Detroit trying to figure out what to do that I finally cracked and answered it. And I was glad I did, as glad as if it had started to rain fried chickens and sizzling curly fries. It was Mary Lynn's family calling to tell me that poor Mary Lynn passed away and they were having a service for her this week. Her sister was under the impression that I'd gone to my reunion and would be back next week for Mary Lynn. I was shaking during this phone call, trying to figure out what they knew.

They know nothing! The police believe that Mary Lynn had been fooling with Oxycondin and other drugs and had a stroke as a result. Damn, later when I counted my pills there were some missing. She took my pills, old biddie. So the polices think she was high and halucinating when she was stumbling through the town of Shitshewannas so I'm off the hook.

I told the family how sorry I was and that yeah, I'd help clear up and pack up her apartment back home next week. Here's the kicker, they are PAYING me to do it!

So I got a Tim Horton's special lunch, 3 doughnuts, soup and coffee and decided to really treat myself on the way home. I stopped today at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, Ohio. I have been wanting to go, just knowing that they had to have a huge section for Adam Lambert. It was hot today so I gussied up in a sleeveless spagetti string dress in a ritzy shade of blue with orthopedic shoes and my Hoverround. I searched everywhere for my man BB's section but couldn't find a damn thing! Finally I saw his section and was running my Hoverround at full throttle over some tattooed freak man towards those eyes and hair that make my madianly loins quiver like the lone tooth in a meth freaks mouth. But it WASN'T Adam! It was that unoriginal insipid old dead man that cannot hold a candle to Adam, Elvis 'Pillhead' Presley.

I was so pissed off I was seeing red while I rode my Hoverround over all 6 floors of that joint looking for Adam's section. Nothing, de nada, some flipping film starring that untalented Bruce Springsteen, that old ugly alchy Billy Joel and other lousy old farts. No one new or talented or as original as Adam. I complained at the musium offices, telling them that they were all a buncha homophibian repressive haters and that I would bring down the wrath of all of precious BB's fans on their heads but they just had some ugly blad headed jealous of BB security guard manhandle me and my Hoverround out of the building. Now I'm banned for live, something about the peanut butter I accidenatly smeared on Elvis's ugly old car. Hey, I was feeling peckish and had to have a snack, they didn't have any decent food there and I ain't eating in Cleveland. I have standards.

School Daze

Managed to get over my disappointment that Rick didn't come to my room and rock my world in time to get ready for my high school reunion. Donned my hot and sexy overalls and tee, fluffed my Betty White do and went on down to the Rathskeller in Lansing.

Only a few people showed up, Tiny Joe, Stinky, Weasel, Eyeball and Ice Pick. There were also some of those stupid uppity skeleton whores too, one or two but they disappeared very quickly as the liquor flowed. I lost count of how many Ghetto Blasters I drank. I was the belle of teh ball, dancing with all my old pals to songs from the 70s. It was great to see everyone but Tiny Joe. Tiny Joe started trying to crowd dive and slam dance. He ain't got but one tooth and a patchy looking mohawk. Weasal told me later than Tiny Joe is a leading meth cooker in Lansing. I'd believe it, he's crazy enough and looks like hell.

Somehow I got back to my hotel room in one piece without a DUI and I decided to go for a swim then get into the hot tub. The hot tub was filled with hunky young guys, they told me they was from some university in Canuckistan coming down to play championship baseball at the university here. I started flirting with some of them and one thing lead to another.

This morning I awoke to find my hotel room trashed with the words 'Sooooey!' and 'Two Ton Tessy' written on the walls of my room. My holes are sore and idt looks like a parade of farm animals rampaged through here. But I'm skinnier again. Better skedaddle before I get charged with the damage. Next stop, Detroit and then home again.

Detroit better be filled with hot guys!

She's Lump

Last night I couldn't stop shaking without having something to eat so I went to a barbeque joint and chowed down. Food is the best nerve tonic there ever was and it worked it's siren magic on me. I felt much better by the time I ate a plate of ribs, fried apples, mac n cheese, tater salad, rolls and other assorted sides.

One of the waitresses started telling me that Rick Springfield of "Jesse's Girl" fame was playing down the street tonight and out I went to get me a ticket. I remember Rick from the early 70s Tiger Beat and 16 magazines. He's been oen of the hot guys papered on my early teenage wall in those years, starred in a million masturbation fantasies and owned my nights. Squeeeeeeeeeeal! Only Adam Lambert or Danny Gokey appearing would make me more excitered!

At the auditorium there were already a ton of skeleton whores all fighting to be right up front squished against the stage. I was not about to allow some dyed hair upitty cunt blonde wearing leopard print with her tiny wrinkly boobies hanging out or other skeleton whores in too tight jeans to stand in my way. Turns out they were easy-peasy to push out of my way as long as I ignored the crys of 'Hey!' and 'Who do you think you are?' and I ended up center front right up against the stage. It was lucky that I'd worn my new purple and black Wal Mart muu muu and my sparkly black crocs because I was looking smokin' hot yet classy and swanky.

Rick rocked my world. He kept loooking down at me like he could hardly believe his eyes during the songs. He looked good enough to lick up one side and down the other like the world's hottest man-cicle! He played all his hits, all looking at me and I just knew we were supposed to be together. Every time an uppity skeleton whore tried to horn in on where I was standing I just trod one of my crocs on her skankty high heeled foot and she'd back off. Towards the end of the night I wriggled out of my Wal Mart satin big girl panties, wrapped one of my hotel room keys in it and tossed it at Rick's feet. The wonder on his face as he picked up my drawers was a might thing to see.

Rushed back to the Super 8 to wait for Rick. He never showed up! Boo hoo! Now I can't get out of bed I'm so heartbroken plus I think I picked up some sorta 4th of July fungus or disease in my lady-parts. I keep crying and scratching and I didn't get a wink of sleep last night waiting for Rick. I'm so sad I can't even order a pizza.

Going In Circles

I slept in the car after Mary Lynn's family took exception with my use of the guest bathroom shower curtain. It weren't too bad but I did start scratching at Mary Lynn's bedroom window at the crack of dawn sos she'd get up and get ready to go. We were supposed to drive to the town I went to skhool in, Lansing Michigan so tomorrow night I could attend the reunion of my graudating class from St. Melba of the Holy Toast High School Reformatory.


Because I was so sleepy this morning without any grub or coffee from Mary Lynn's sisters house I went the wrong way out of Shitshawanna. Mary Lynn was no help, she went right back to sleep, snoring as I rolled through Fort Wayne and Richmond Indiana. Hell, I was most of the way to Cincinnatti by the time I realized I'd made a mistake. Mary Lynn started screeching at me that I was a durn fool that was gonna get us kilt so I slipped a couple of my zanax stash into her Metamuscil water. She passed out pretty quickly. She was still sleeping when I ran into the nearest Mickey Dees and ordered 3 extra value meals with pies.

I've been dieting good but I had to calm my nerves and figure out what to do because I surely did not want her to wake up and give me crap again. I had to keep reminding myself to stop shaking because some of those little kids with the pudding bowl haircuts and their Amish daddy kept staring at me. I guess that Amish guy had never seen lovely all natural 52ZZZ breasts before. Too bad I didn't have time to find out what Amish guys are like in the sack.

Decided to go to a nearby park, where I used some homemade chloroform to knock out Mary Lynn further, duct taped her mouth and hands and locked her ass in the truck of the rental car. She was quiet all the way back to Shitsheawanna so I decided to stop, visit Yoder's Dept. Store again and get something to wear to the reunion. I was just coming out clutching a sassy white t shirt and black overalls when I heard this gawdawful screech and saw Mary Lynn jump out of the trunk of our rented Buick! She was pointing at me and screaming I drugged her!

So I jumped into the next passing vehicle, a horse drawn buggy, pushed aside some old geezer with a ZZ Top beard and fled. The old guy shouted 'Miene Gott Im Himmell!' and a bunch of other bearded ZZ Top looking guys came run. I jumped and rolled, jumped into the drivers seat of the rental car and sped off, trunk aflappin' in the wind. Left Mary Lynn behind and took backroads into Michigan.

Just checked into a hotel of college kids, switched tags with another vehicle and eaten two Bonnie Burgers at Bonnie's Burgers here in Lansing Michigan. Checked in as Francine LaFargia, one of the skeleton whores from the 4th but paided with cash. No one's gonna know.

Getting ready to get claim my free drink at the bar and sit in a hot tub filled with fine hot young college studs. Maybe I'll get lucky, I'm wearing my lucky rhinestonned crocs.

Big Glam Doll!

One of the bestest things about Shitshewanna is leaving it go to the floating casino down river. Today I was excited to go down to the salon to get all fixed up for a night at the casino. I left Mary Lynn at her family home and took the rental car down to Trixie's Hairy Situation Salon, or is it a Saloon?

Had a VERY hard time finding the salloon, so much of a hard time that I had to stop at this weird store named 'Hippie Bob's' on the riverfront street. It was a HEAD SHOP! Lots of bongs, reefer stones, vaporizers, stinky insense, you name it. There was a guy there named Hippie Bob, silver dreadlocks to his knees wearing a Beatles Yellow Submarine Tee, frayed jeans and those stupid hippie sandals made of shredded leather and tires. He looked like he hadn't bathed since Woodstock and smelled like a goat humping a maragjewwanna plant. I'd decided to ask Bob to give me directions and see I could buy some perfume there. I thought I saw in his front window "Aromas Adjusted" but it turned out to read "Auras Adjusted" Told Hippie Bob off for false advertizing after he explained what an 'Aura' was.

I was trying to ask Hippie Bob for a crocheted tie dyed string bikini in size 6XXX when he told me my Aura really needed adjusting because I was nothing but negative energy, bullshit and lies. I told him to go lick another toad because I am perfect the way I am, a swanky plus-sized driver, model, writer, bon vivant. Hippie Bob failed to see my charms and started telling me to get the hell off his property because leeches like me, super fat people, were a drain on national resources and that we were killing Mother Nature with our overuse of resources and the strain on medical costs. Turns out Trixies was just across the street after all so I shook off the scents of patchouli oil and pot before entering the old fashioned looking salloon.

I was kinda of upset when I got to Trixies because it wasn't very swanky at all. It was in a building that looked like it was pre Civil War with white plastered bumpy walls and an uneven wooden floor. Smelled like the place ten thousand cans of Aqua Net went to die. The hair dryers were stacked up on cinder blocks and the saloon chairs were metal folding chairs. But what's a beautify gal going to do, gotta get the hair fixed for the doings up at the casino. But Trixie did a good job on my hair, I could pass for a younger, sexier, more glamorus Betty White now. She teased my hair extry high and added some sparkling pins with pink rhinestones glued to them.

The mani/pedi didn't go that well. She had a dishpan filled with cold water and added Palmolive to soak me in. Used a cheesegrater on my feet! Called them horny. she jus don't know. Cheap pink nail polish that she had to thin with nail polish remover before painting my hands and feetsies. She smeared chicken grease on my feet too, said she was all out of mosterizer stuff and my feet were tougher than mule titties.

Still, I look swell and classy so when darkness fell I donned my fabulous ball gown,  put a twenty in my purse for the penny slot machines and drove out to the casino. I played the slots and drank for free on the casino's dime an endless line of Ghetto Blasters - Malibu coconut-flavored rum mixed with Deit Coke - you get twice as drunk in half the time and stay drunker longer because of the deit cokje.

After a while I realized the guys playing the craps table weren't paying much mind I started skimming the occasional drink off the underlip of the table. I took a few chips here and there too while I minged with the crowd. The place was filled with hateful skeleton whores wihtout any class so I was mostly alone. The men in the casino could not appreciate my specshul beauty.

Too bad because tonight I wore a cream satiny strapless gown with pink roses and green vines embordered on it, pink crocs with pink rhinestones glued on. I was hot. None of those uppity skeleton whores knew how to dress, most of them wore things you'd wear to shop in Wal Mart or to weed your garden, not tempt Lady Luck or to garner the attention of a hot piece of man meat.

But none of that mattered much because I saw the most gorgus sight, a man singing lead with the casino band could have been Carole's precious BB. He looked so much like Adam Lambert it was scary! I was transfixed, standing there quivering in shock, unable to speak, staring at that beaufiyu man meat. Before I knew what happened my hips started bucking like a broncos and I had an Adamgasm right on the Craps table. It was the sweetest thing of all times!!!!!!!!!!!! Security escorted me to the parking lot. Carole was right, there are homophobians in this world that ban Adam and all Adamgasms unfairly. Shouldn't they be more concerned with the hateful mamas duct taping their kids into their car or putting the filled with chloroform kids in the trunk so that they could gamble, drink and slut it up?

However hot I looked when I got back to Mary Lynns cousins house they were waiting up for me. Mary Lynn's cousin tore off my beautiiful ball gown, accusing me of stealing guest bathroom shower curtain, wrapping it around my body and pinning it into place with safety pins. What did she care? She has another shower curtain anyhoo! I couldnd't stay in a place like that with such common people so I took myself out to sleep in the car. Tomorrow we're leaving for my high school reunion, I warned Mary Lynn I'd want to leave before her cousin got up so don't be late. I know where the cousin keeps her purse so I tihnk about about to get a new ballgown for the reunion.

WWLAD?

I wonder what L Anne Carrington would do during a week like mine.

This week I've been a travenling gal. Mary Lynn from my apartment complex asked me if she rented a car would I act as her personal driver to her hometown of Shipshewanna Indiana, or as I like to call it Shit-She-Wanna. Mary Lynn can't see well anymore, those cataracs put her in a troubles because there's not planes out to Shitshewanna so it's driving or nutting. We drove here and next we're goin gto Detroit to do something I want. She's loaded with dough, I know because I took a peek in her purse while she was napping in the seat.

I thought it might be fun so I packed all  my Muu-muus and packed my Hoverround. It is fun, if you like watching corn growing.. it's pretty dull over here, what with the Amish everywhere and not a hot man in sight. Plus it's so hot my sweaty deluxe luxury sized perfect derriere keeps sticking to the sumptious faux leather on the Hoverround seat. I'm very bored. I got warned by the local Cop Shop for almost running over a couple of small Amish kids with my Hoverround. One of those brats pointed at me and said something like "Eine grossich schwiene", whatever that means.

Sos I'm rereading my copy of "The Cruiserweight" and watching a lot of wrestling on Mary Lynn's cousins teevee. Her folks are putting me up in the basement and boy do they know how to cook! Every meal is like an endless buffet at the casinos, not to mention the over the top family restaurants catering to the Amish and Mennonites. I've had mac and cheese (the homemade kind), corn straight out of the garden, ham, bbq pork, noodle salads and 8 different kinds of pies.Best part o being here is the fridge in the corner of the basement holding all the big buffet trays of food leftover from the family reunion Mary Lynn went to. Getting ready to have a second midnight snack.

Tomorrow I'm going to get my hair washed and styled and my toenails repainted. It's too hard to reach up to my head to wash it good because of my healthy arms and I cannot reach my toes. Plus I want to look spiffy when I go up to my high school class reunion in a few days in Michigan.

Best part of the trip so far? All those free beers I downed at the riverboat casino plus the pies. Oh lawdy, if the Lord didn't mean for me to eat pies He wouldn't have made them so damn delicious. I won six bucks at the casino and some hot looking older gentleman trtied to teach me how to play craps. I told him the only craps i know about are when I down a whole box of Krispy Kremes in one sitting.

Five Fingered Foods

When I got home late on the 4th of July Ethel met me on the main apartment complex walkway and told me in a snippy tone that if I truly wanted to make up for the trouble I'd caused lately that I would get up tomorrow morning and clean the community room, top to bottom. I could even keep the leftovers in the fridge. So guess what I did? You got it!

I scored about two dozen leftover hotdogs, buns and garnishes as well as three bags of chips, buncha sweet sodas and a tankard of banana pudding. But the best thing was all the leftover party decorations! Especially the red, white & blue paper tableclothees. I used those table covers and a stapeler to fashion the most purty ballgown you've ever seen. Just in time too because I have decided to run for the Miss Pork Sausage Festival next month. I'm going to wear the ballgown while dancing in my Hoverround to 'She's A Grand Old Flag' as my talent segment. I'm sure to win!

Decided I really needed to shape up just a little between now and the pageant so I used the credit cards of those snotty Yahcting Club cunts to buy a treadmill, swimsuit and some bling. The treadmill was a bitch to get home on the Hoverround, I had to balance the box in the seat, sit on it and steer the thing. Got Jose the gardner to hump the box up to my apartment. Now to go strew those left over credit cards all around NWordtown. Let some darkie be blamed for the theft, not a classy white woman like myself.

Haven't managed to use the treadmill yet, I've been laying around experimenting with the pills, but I will soon enough. For now I'm using it to fold clothes on.

A Big Big Bang!

What a day it has been. I got up in the cool of the early part of the day and made myself as swanky as possible, shaved off the leg fur and put on tight spandex bike shorts over a bikini. While I was waiting for my  Betty White updo to set I logged onto the old computer and did what my thinsperation idol - Lori Carrington - did back when she wanted to go to a White House dinner. I forged an invite using photoshopping. No White House anything around here but I did fussy up a convincing invite to the Yatching Club's annual soiree on the 4th.

Took the bus across town to the Yathcing Club to watch the regatta and enjoy the fruits of my labor. It was better than staying in or going to the community room where Ethel and pals would be bringing hotdogs and rutabaga pickles. They all still hate me, those skinny little skeleton whores! They are just jeallus that they are dried up old hags and I'm a juicy ripe gal ready for action of a youthful 50. They keep accusing me of stealing their food. As if!

That boating place was so so swanky! Crystal chandeleiries and white silk wallpaper with doodads on it. The luncheon tables were set with white linenes, crystal and patriotic swag! I picked a piece of red, white and blue tinsel from a table and looped it through my beautiful silvering curls. The men could not stop staring at my swanky all natural 52ZZZ breats. I got a lot of dirty looks from the uppity skeleton whores there too. My curves are too much for them to measure up to.

After slipping out to powder my nose I noticed that the snooty nosed attentant in the cloak room wasn't there. I poked my head into the cloak room, wanting to ask her if I could borrow a sweater or parasol because I didn't want my gorgous milk white skin to be sunburned but she still wasn't there. So I found a pink parasol to use and realized all those nice designer purses were sitting there all on their lonesome. At first I started just looking at them but after a while they were begging me to check out the insides. I went over each and every one after donning someones abandoned golf gloves. Now I have new jewelry, credit cards and so much cash I don't quite know what to do with it. There was a lot of strange things in there, some crazy white powder in a couple I borrowed and a lot of tranks. I might have borrowed a prescribetion or four.

One of the big disappointments of the day was the food at this joint! Spinach salad with strawberries and bacon is just a waste of strawberries and bacon! They didn't have hot dogs and burgers, they were serving cut up Maine Lobster on hot dog buns with a squirt of melted butter! Brocolli! Something like lettuce called Indeeve. It was horriable! No chips, no cookies, just a lot of nasty unrecognizable foods.

I was busy trying to discreetly spit out a horsedervy made of salty black stuff on crackers that I thought was blackberry jam when the most uppity looking cunt in the place pranced up to me. She wore a white tennis dress, was really skinny with shoulder length blonde hair pulled back by a white band around her head and she demanded to see my invitation. I showed it to her and this cunt had security remove me from the premises, but I got away with my found objects including that beautiful pink parasol and I drank a sea of  Purple Jesues while I was there. I slipped my phohne number to a couple of the gents before I left.

Feeling no pain I went down to the river and started watching all the hot and hulky guys in speed boats. All that  booze and the next thing I knew I was flashing my creamy tatas for all they were worth and three guys in a speedeboat asked me if I wanted a ride on teh boat. I did indeed.

While the fireworks flashed overhead I got gang banged like I never have been,. Every hole filled and dripping with delicious fresh man juice. I cummed again and again and again. I'm going to have to hang out by the river more often. When the 3 hotties dropped me off they even gave me a whole twenty dollar bill! Lori was right about hanging around better places and getting paid for sex! I barely ate anything at all and I made bank!

Hatched

Forgive me dear diary, I've been gone due to a huge misunderstanding...

It all started with my car, that car that the Methodists gave me. They didn't tell me they hadn't registered in my name, just signed the title over to me and they sure didn't tell me it was uninsured. The nerve! Swanky folks pay to transfer it into your name, pay for the taxes and title AND put insurance on a car they give you.

I didn't know any better so one day the first week after I got that car I was tooling down the road as cool as a cucumber sitting in ranch dressing when a nice young copper pulled me over. He said my tail lights weren't working and that the plates on the car were out of date. I tried to flirt with him, batting my long eyelashes at him and making my baby blues go all innocent and as gooey as fresh cinnamon rolls but he wasn't having any of that. He had my car impounded and towed to the police impound lot!

Then that little skinny pipsqueak who couldn't have been more than 20 tried to arrest me, put me in cuffs and in the back of his police car. Boy, did I give him quite a struggle, I even pinned him against his car for five minutes between my all natural 52ZZZZ boobs, hoping he would be so delighted by my gorgieus swanky breasticals that he would forget all about this arresting nonsense and maybe fall hard for me. Nothing, he had to be gay!

Once I got down to the station the stupid cops wanted to know where my ankle monitor was after looking at my arrest history. Long story condensed down, I used my one phone call to call up Meagan. By that time the dirty cops had searched my apartment and found Adam wearing my ankle monitor and the corpse of poor George Clooney. Animal control was called and they seized my babies! I cannot have my cats back until this is all straightened out.

Meagan convinced the cops and the magnistrate that I didn't belong in jail bevcause she was claiming again that I was insane. Said anyone saying the stuff I was and wearing an orange muu-muu with puce flowers on it was clearly not in their right mind. So while I shouted and cursed I got put in a straight jacket and taken straight to the locked ward at the local hospital.

It weren't all bad. I got to watch a lot of teevee, color and draw in art therapy and I met some good folks. I met another Adam Lambert fan named Kerry. She told me she would represent me for free when I go back to court because she's a lawler. She told me all about how Adam was prefenvted from winnning Idol by the government and AT&T because they are huge homophobians. Also they are poisoning our food so she's moving to a farm soon, Unperpants Farms, invited me to stay.

I may take her up on it because I found out that the old fogies at the apartment complex are demanding I be removed because I'm a crazy criminal and sex offender now. I need some place to stay.