Blisses & Kisses

Oh I have had a blissful two weeks with Cletus Clydeburn Ridge McStuddmuffin, just he and I, every night in each others arms. It's the days that suck-diddly-uck right now.

That skanky skeleton whore Mavis has been starting troubles for us, gossipping about how she's so mystified why her boyfriend is so sleepy all the time. Cletus Ridge has barely been by her door at all these last weeks so she's been yakking up saying he's a vampire or he's sick or something. And to top it off she called his daughters to tell them that their Daddy was 'sick'

Cletus Ridge was forced to explain to them that he had a lady friend and she was not Mavis and Mavis was not to know. He still hasn't told them it's me yet, he wants them to get used to the idea of him dating again before introducing me to them.

It don't matter anyway because that Mavis has started hanging around watching Cletus' Ridge's comings and goings. She caught him going from my place after he done cummed at 5 in the morning and she's spread it all over that we're boot knocking.

But that weren't even the worse. The other night Cletus Ridge and I had been playing one of our favorite sexy games, Cookie, when we ran out of cookies.  You play Cookie by putting cookies on your cooter, nipples and in the folds of your body and then the other partner eats them off and out. Cletus Ridge asked me to go get the cookies because he was bushed. I left him nekkid and covered with Cool Whip on my sofa while I threw on my sexy satin robe to ride my Hoverround to the 7-11 to get more cookies. I had just motored out the door when Cletus Ridge stood up and yelled, "Hey baby, get me a bottle of Wild Irish Rose wine too while you're out." We both heard a gasp, it was that nosey heifer Mavis and she seen him nekkkid and covered in Cool Whip!
 
Cletus Ridge told her to mind her own business and has refused to talk about it to anyone, even when his daughters showed up the other night. They showed up the next day at my place and begged me to stop seeing their daddy. I told them about Pee Wee and Pee Chee and they offered me money if I'd abort. Cletus Ridge showed up and kicked them out, telling them again to stay out of his business.

No sneaking around now. Everyone knows.

Double Jointed Life

The last week I've been leading a double life, a split eggzistance. Why? Cletus Clydeburn Ridge McStuddmuffin.

Onder the cover of night, a night greezy with humidity, like you'd get drinched with sweat just doing something as simple as shufflin' over to the teevee to change channels. I was laying on my sofa eating Rockys Road ice cream and weeping when there was a softish tapping on my door. I opened it, still clutching mah tub fo Edy's when Cletus Ridge entered the room with a smile, whipping that carton from my hand. He was clutching a red rose between his teeth, humming some song I didn't recognize and holding a blaring boom box over his head. It was like something out of one of Lori Anne Carringtons wonderful novels!!

He overpowered me and we screwed on my beige throw rug in front of Jonnny Carson...err... Jay Lino. He held me and cried afterwards, explaining how heart broken it made him to pretend not to nkow me to his family and some of the folks around here. Turns out his family is very very protective of him. But he promises me that one day soon I'll meet them, especially now that I'm having his babies.

Yeah, I told Cletus Ridge about Pee Wee and Pee Chee and he is overjoyed! It's just now he's gotta get his family used to the idea and not create a scandal here that would jeopradize his apartment here. Sos we worked out a schedule. He comes over every night at 9 pm sharp and stays until 5 am. During the day we pretend not to know each other, acting standoffish during Canasta and ballroom dancing in the community rooms and other public places. During the day he pretends to be infatuacted with that slutty skeleton whore Mavis, dancing with her, laughing, having lunch at her joint daily. But I know it's me, Pee Wee and Pee Chee he loves.

I'm so so so so so happy!

Five Long Days

It's been that long since Cletus Clydeburn Ridge Studdmuffins broke my heart and those heartless old biddies here started gossipping about it. Five days of hell and misery. On top of everything else I didn't get my visit from my monthly friend. So I'm seduced and abandoned and carrying PeeWee and PeeChee. I don't know what I'm going to do.

For the last five days I've followed my new routine. I go file at stupid Meagan's office for an hour, take the bus to the Piggly Wiggly to get grub and go straight into my apartment for the rest of the day, laying on the couch eating ice cream and watching Lifetime movies. Now that I'm expecting I can eat what I want and no exercise. Good thing because I'm too broken hearteded to do anything any hoo.

Tears & Comfort

I started to go outside today to sit under a tree in my Hoverround and stare at Cletus Clydeburn Ridge McStuddmuffin's door but I was stopped by a knot of gossipping old biddies just outside of the community room.

One of them said, "She really is crazy! She spent the whole day staring at that poor man's front door and muttering about something called 'skeleton whores' His daughters and son said they were going to call the police if she didn't stop it. It was creeping them out and Cletus Ridge swears he doesn't know her."

The trampiest one, Mavis, cooed, "Isn't Cletus Ridge just the sweetest? He's quite the dancer too."

"Dancer, Smancer," snored Agnes, "We have to do something about her, Lauri Ann. First she kills Marge and cripples Esther, then it turns out she's a SEX OFFENDER and now she's stalking some nice older gentleman. I htink we such all get together and INSIST the rental board evict her immediately. She's a danger and a blemish on our community!"

A voice I didn't recognize said, "She's always been the weirdest person for twenty miles around.." and the group broke into laughter, loud laughter, cat calling and besmeriching my name. I backed my Hoverround all the way down the sidewalk back to my place where I tried to becalm myself with all of Mary Lyn's left over drugs and the remains of the ice cream. I don't want to live anymore because I want those old hags to feel guilty.

I'm going to spent the day nominating myself for awards like a Character award from USA Networks and a bunch of other things like that. I might even nominate myself for Miss Big & Beautiful Eastern Shore too. I need a tiara and a sash right now.

Hot, Tired, Lovesick

Today was a disappointment. I struggled through my filing at the office before going to Curves and working the circuit training very slowly. After I stopped at Krispy Kreme for a mid morning pick me up I rode my Hoverround home. Spent the day, the very hot day, sitting in my chair under a big oak tree watching young skeleton whores and men go in and out of Cletus Clydeburn Ridge McStuddmuffins front door.

Even that slutty Edna Jones showed up with her welcome wagon present. She gets around too much, using the excuse that she has coupons and handmade pot holders to deliever when I know she's really scoping out the best available men in the complex as soon as they move in./ She's trying to move in on my territory. 

I'm so sad, how could it be over so soon? What will Pee Wee and Pee Chee do?

finally had to go inside and have some more ice cream. There's not enough ice cream in the entire world to mend this broken heart.

Ice Creamed

I woke up so excited this morning because today was the day that Cletus Clydeburn errrr, Ridge McStuddmuffins was moving into my apartment complex. He'd been near me and since we hit it off so swell it would be nice to have a regular suitor courting me.

As soon as I was done with my pesky hour of filing records for Meagan at Social Services I hopped on the bus and high tailed it back home. I ignored the sales at the Piggly Wiggly, I ignored the hot dogs calling my name at the Dairy King and I ignored my new foodstamp allotment and SSI check, I just wanted to check up on my new boyfriend.

I may have given up on dieting after Lori Anne said in her book 'Fifty' that you shouldn't even try but I haven't given up on love. I rushed as fast as my Hoverround would go, hurrying over to Mary Lynn's old apartment three buildings over. There was a U-Haul parked out front with hefty looking young guys bringing furniture and boxes across the courtyard to Mary Lynn's old place. I didn't mean to but I ran over the foot of one of the guys and pushed another one over by accident cranking the throttle on my Hoverround in haste to see my darlin' but when I got to the front door Ridge acted like he didn't know me. Two younger skeleton whore looking women were unpacking for him and one of them asked if she could help me. But I was busy trying to get Ridge to remember me. He said he was pleased to meet me but he had things he needed to do to get all moved in. Shut the door in my face after telling me he'd see me around at Canasta.

My trembling heart broke and I sadly went over to the Piggly Wiggly for a couple of gallons of ice cream and the trimmings. Drowned my troubles in Rocky Road and Butter Pecan. What will I do if I'm pregnant by him with twins?