Readin' & No Writin'

Yesterday I was glum and down in the dumps so I figured I would look up published author L Anne Carrington's works at that Nanowrimo.org thingie she's been saying for ages that she does. I was shocked, I tells you, shocked!!!

Might have to find mes a better role model for life than L Anne Carrington, writer of "The Cruiserweight" Why? Because she's apparently lyin', turns out that those there big old meanies skeleton whores at L Anne Carrington Booksite might be right.

She gots a profile over at Nano's main site but she ain't NEVER participated in Nanowrimo for all her hollaring about how great it is and how she's lurves it. Ain't once written a lick for it or tried it. Looks l ike she just tried to use it to gets more people to look at her wrasslin' romantical novel. Free ad whorin'.....

I am just plumb flabberghausted to catch myt hero in a passel of lies. What else have I beens wrong about

Candy Robber

Yesterday I spent most of the day trying to figure out how I could swing a visit to the Romantic Times convention so I can a) gets my copy of "The Crusierweight" signed by the author and b) see her host a panel on Bridging Romance and Rasselling. I ain't got the money so I guess I'm going to hae to ask kind fellow readers to help me to get to Los Angeles. That's how L Anne Carrington is raising the bucks to get from McKeesport, PA to L.A. by begging for it online. You can send the money to mys Paypal account, name DewIFleeceEm. I thanks you kindly.

But when darkness fell I decided to flee to the bushes around the complex insteads of staying inside and facing the little retarded kids they bus in to trick or treat at our complex. It was a bitter night, not jus because it was cold, but it reminded me of all the junk I don't have that I deserve, like kids, a man, a real home..

There I was boohooing my eyes out alone in the bushes becasue I didn't dare go to the party being hosted by slutty skeleton whores in the club room when a kid wandered off and sat down in the bushes next to me. He plopped down and I could tell the little drooler weren't right in the mind, he kept grunting and filling his pants. That wasn't the only thing full, his plastic grocery sack was filled up with candy and he'd dropped it.

Here was my opportunity to make tonight better. I scooped up his bag, scooped most of the candy into the pockets of my muu muu and hightailed it back to my apartment. Careful to keep the lights off I sat in the darkness and delighted myself with the delicously gooey candies. Ahh.

Hollow Ween

Sad weekend. I spent Satuday swimming at the Y. I was just so happy to be out of jail that I rode my Hoverround over to swim all day. Plus all those lonely nights in the jail house left me with an itch to scratch, an itch for a man, a new man.

Tried to stop by Fashion Bug for asexay new swimming suit only to find they done closed down while I was away. So I had dto wear my old one with the sprung elastic in the top. Didn't matter, I spotted a lone hot man immediately and I kept trying to swim by him. The first couple of times he was talking to another man wearing a wedding ring. I thought for sure he'd be impressed by my spectacular all natural 56ZZZ boobies but he didn't even react. I figured he had to be gay! But later every time I looked over he was chatting up the skeleton whore that calls herself a lifeguard. Hottie was tripping over his tongue every time he talked to the life-ho.

I followed him to the hot tub, thinking he might be intertested up close. I batted my beautimous eyes at him and wiggled my swanky tits. He wouldn't even look at me. No dice.I went home alone.

Sunday weren't much better. Visited the church down the street again, the place that gave me that car and bought my Hoverround but they weren't friendly this atime at all. Sure, they fed me at their endless luncheons and snacks but no one would talk to me and as I went to leave several of the snootier church ladies told me not to come back after what I'd done with the car.  They think I'm an ungrateful gal.

I hightailed it back home, only stopping at the Piggly Wiggly to get some halloween candy for the trick or treaters tonight. But the next thing I know I woke up this morning in a pile of candy wrappers. Sigh, another year spent hiding with the lights off when the kids come around.

Pokey Time Again

I've been away. Right after the Cletus Clydeburn Ridge McStuddmuffin troubles the local cop shop arrested me for false charges of having stole a car. I don't know what they mean. I parked that rental car and left the key under the floorboards then calledup the rental car place to come over here and gets it. Turns out that's illegal too. They told me only Mary Lynn was supposed to be driving it according to the rental agreement so I got hit with conversion of rental property too..

That bitch social worker of mine, Meagan, refused to bail me out this time. Normally she pleads leniencey for me because she says I'm crazy. This time she told the cops to do their worst because I was turning into a ha-habitjewel offenter.

Jail sucks. Jail food sucks a little less, it's just the repeating of the meals that sucks. Many times the meals is a big slab of baloney white bread and some mushy fruit. I don't eat the fruit because as you know fruits and veggies are scary, they grow in the dirt, the same dirt animals shit in.

but now I'm back, large and in charge, and I'm about to follow footsteps of my thinspeiration L Anne Carrington. Yes folks, I'm signing up for Nanonanowrittermo. and I'm gonna write some hot UFC fiction about a hot relationship between Brock Lesnar and Tito Ortiz complete with love scenes. It's gonna be so good! I hope to get it published like L Anne got her novel published, with one of those you pay they publish online outfits.

I better go, my stomach is rumbling and I'm drooling at the thought of real food for a change. Gonna have some sausage and eggs.  Mmmmm... sausage!  Damn I miss Cletus Clyburn Ridge McStuddmuffins sometimes..

Problems

I haven't posted in awhile because I've been heartbroken like the Cleveland Indians.

First, some busy body showed up at Cletus Clydeburn Ridge McStuddmuffin's house and showed him a pornography DVD called "The Carnival Ride". It showed some pretty woman getting gang banged by corn dogs and carnies in the Bouncy Castle.  They were insisting it was me!

Cletus Ridge believed them and he came storming over with the DVD, trying to insist it was me! As if! The woman was beautifyl enough to be me and she has the same sort of womenly grayceful curves and lucious tatas I have but it twrunt me. At least that's what I convinced Cletus Ridge of. I didn't tell Cletus Ridge about my night at the carnival but he doesn't need to know, besides that was not me even if she did have a birthmark like mine on my butt.

All this commotion upset me so grately I ended up miscarrying PeeWee and PeeChee. When I showed Cletus Ridge my bloody tampon holding the bodies of his twins he went nuts. Started shoving me around. And this was during that awful hurricane Whatsis so I had no where to go. He accused me all sorts of things before bruising my arm by twisting it. I called the cops and he went to jail for domestic assault.

This was on a Saturday and when thte trial was held on Monday morning Cletus Ridge was found guilty, ordered to leave the state forever and not to contact me. His daughters packed his place and he left. I got a check from the Victims Relief Fund but not even enough money to buy extra Twinkies and Snickers Fun Sized packs could heal my broken heart and empty twat. Sigh,. Life Sucks.

Blisses & Kisses

Oh I have had a blissful two weeks with Cletus Clydeburn Ridge McStuddmuffin, just he and I, every night in each others arms. It's the days that suck-diddly-uck right now.

That skanky skeleton whore Mavis has been starting troubles for us, gossipping about how she's so mystified why her boyfriend is so sleepy all the time. Cletus Ridge has barely been by her door at all these last weeks so she's been yakking up saying he's a vampire or he's sick or something. And to top it off she called his daughters to tell them that their Daddy was 'sick'

Cletus Ridge was forced to explain to them that he had a lady friend and she was not Mavis and Mavis was not to know. He still hasn't told them it's me yet, he wants them to get used to the idea of him dating again before introducing me to them.

It don't matter anyway because that Mavis has started hanging around watching Cletus' Ridge's comings and goings. She caught him going from my place after he done cummed at 5 in the morning and she's spread it all over that we're boot knocking.

But that weren't even the worse. The other night Cletus Ridge and I had been playing one of our favorite sexy games, Cookie, when we ran out of cookies.  You play Cookie by putting cookies on your cooter, nipples and in the folds of your body and then the other partner eats them off and out. Cletus Ridge asked me to go get the cookies because he was bushed. I left him nekkid and covered with Cool Whip on my sofa while I threw on my sexy satin robe to ride my Hoverround to the 7-11 to get more cookies. I had just motored out the door when Cletus Ridge stood up and yelled, "Hey baby, get me a bottle of Wild Irish Rose wine too while you're out." We both heard a gasp, it was that nosey heifer Mavis and she seen him nekkkid and covered in Cool Whip!
 
Cletus Ridge told her to mind her own business and has refused to talk about it to anyone, even when his daughters showed up the other night. They showed up the next day at my place and begged me to stop seeing their daddy. I told them about Pee Wee and Pee Chee and they offered me money if I'd abort. Cletus Ridge showed up and kicked them out, telling them again to stay out of his business.

No sneaking around now. Everyone knows.

Double Jointed Life

The last week I've been leading a double life, a split eggzistance. Why? Cletus Clydeburn Ridge McStuddmuffin.

Onder the cover of night, a night greezy with humidity, like you'd get drinched with sweat just doing something as simple as shufflin' over to the teevee to change channels. I was laying on my sofa eating Rockys Road ice cream and weeping when there was a softish tapping on my door. I opened it, still clutching mah tub fo Edy's when Cletus Ridge entered the room with a smile, whipping that carton from my hand. He was clutching a red rose between his teeth, humming some song I didn't recognize and holding a blaring boom box over his head. It was like something out of one of Lori Anne Carringtons wonderful novels!!

He overpowered me and we screwed on my beige throw rug in front of Jonnny Carson...err... Jay Lino. He held me and cried afterwards, explaining how heart broken it made him to pretend not to nkow me to his family and some of the folks around here. Turns out his family is very very protective of him. But he promises me that one day soon I'll meet them, especially now that I'm having his babies.

Yeah, I told Cletus Ridge about Pee Wee and Pee Chee and he is overjoyed! It's just now he's gotta get his family used to the idea and not create a scandal here that would jeopradize his apartment here. Sos we worked out a schedule. He comes over every night at 9 pm sharp and stays until 5 am. During the day we pretend not to know each other, acting standoffish during Canasta and ballroom dancing in the community rooms and other public places. During the day he pretends to be infatuacted with that slutty skeleton whore Mavis, dancing with her, laughing, having lunch at her joint daily. But I know it's me, Pee Wee and Pee Chee he loves.

I'm so so so so so happy!

Five Long Days

It's been that long since Cletus Clydeburn Ridge Studdmuffins broke my heart and those heartless old biddies here started gossipping about it. Five days of hell and misery. On top of everything else I didn't get my visit from my monthly friend. So I'm seduced and abandoned and carrying PeeWee and PeeChee. I don't know what I'm going to do.

For the last five days I've followed my new routine. I go file at stupid Meagan's office for an hour, take the bus to the Piggly Wiggly to get grub and go straight into my apartment for the rest of the day, laying on the couch eating ice cream and watching Lifetime movies. Now that I'm expecting I can eat what I want and no exercise. Good thing because I'm too broken hearteded to do anything any hoo.

Tears & Comfort

I started to go outside today to sit under a tree in my Hoverround and stare at Cletus Clydeburn Ridge McStuddmuffin's door but I was stopped by a knot of gossipping old biddies just outside of the community room.

One of them said, "She really is crazy! She spent the whole day staring at that poor man's front door and muttering about something called 'skeleton whores' His daughters and son said they were going to call the police if she didn't stop it. It was creeping them out and Cletus Ridge swears he doesn't know her."

The trampiest one, Mavis, cooed, "Isn't Cletus Ridge just the sweetest? He's quite the dancer too."

"Dancer, Smancer," snored Agnes, "We have to do something about her, Lauri Ann. First she kills Marge and cripples Esther, then it turns out she's a SEX OFFENDER and now she's stalking some nice older gentleman. I htink we such all get together and INSIST the rental board evict her immediately. She's a danger and a blemish on our community!"

A voice I didn't recognize said, "She's always been the weirdest person for twenty miles around.." and the group broke into laughter, loud laughter, cat calling and besmeriching my name. I backed my Hoverround all the way down the sidewalk back to my place where I tried to becalm myself with all of Mary Lyn's left over drugs and the remains of the ice cream. I don't want to live anymore because I want those old hags to feel guilty.

I'm going to spent the day nominating myself for awards like a Character award from USA Networks and a bunch of other things like that. I might even nominate myself for Miss Big & Beautiful Eastern Shore too. I need a tiara and a sash right now.

Hot, Tired, Lovesick

Today was a disappointment. I struggled through my filing at the office before going to Curves and working the circuit training very slowly. After I stopped at Krispy Kreme for a mid morning pick me up I rode my Hoverround home. Spent the day, the very hot day, sitting in my chair under a big oak tree watching young skeleton whores and men go in and out of Cletus Clydeburn Ridge McStuddmuffins front door.

Even that slutty Edna Jones showed up with her welcome wagon present. She gets around too much, using the excuse that she has coupons and handmade pot holders to deliever when I know she's really scoping out the best available men in the complex as soon as they move in./ She's trying to move in on my territory. 

I'm so sad, how could it be over so soon? What will Pee Wee and Pee Chee do?

finally had to go inside and have some more ice cream. There's not enough ice cream in the entire world to mend this broken heart.

Ice Creamed

I woke up so excited this morning because today was the day that Cletus Clydeburn errrr, Ridge McStuddmuffins was moving into my apartment complex. He'd been near me and since we hit it off so swell it would be nice to have a regular suitor courting me.

As soon as I was done with my pesky hour of filing records for Meagan at Social Services I hopped on the bus and high tailed it back home. I ignored the sales at the Piggly Wiggly, I ignored the hot dogs calling my name at the Dairy King and I ignored my new foodstamp allotment and SSI check, I just wanted to check up on my new boyfriend.

I may have given up on dieting after Lori Anne said in her book 'Fifty' that you shouldn't even try but I haven't given up on love. I rushed as fast as my Hoverround would go, hurrying over to Mary Lynn's old apartment three buildings over. There was a U-Haul parked out front with hefty looking young guys bringing furniture and boxes across the courtyard to Mary Lynn's old place. I didn't mean to but I ran over the foot of one of the guys and pushed another one over by accident cranking the throttle on my Hoverround in haste to see my darlin' but when I got to the front door Ridge acted like he didn't know me. Two younger skeleton whore looking women were unpacking for him and one of them asked if she could help me. But I was busy trying to get Ridge to remember me. He said he was pleased to meet me but he had things he needed to do to get all moved in. Shut the door in my face after telling me he'd see me around at Canasta.

My trembling heart broke and I sadly went over to the Piggly Wiggly for a couple of gallons of ice cream and the trimmings. Drowned my troubles in Rocky Road and Butter Pecan. What will I do if I'm pregnant by him with twins?

Dueling Corndogs

Woke up this morning and I can barely move.

Getting over to the fair late last night for my date I didn't see anyone else around. Thought that was kinda weird. It was dark and spooky. I kept walking around, calling for Red, hoping he liked my see through muu muu and bright lime green undies. Hey, it worked for that skeleton whore Carrie Bradshaw.

What happened next thook my breath away. I was grabbed, keel hauled, roped, chained and stripped in the center of the inflated boucy castle. I couldn't believe it! IT was like twenty carnies in that bouncy castle and theyt started taking turns fucking every one of my hooles. Calling  me a dirty whore and a cum guzzler while stuffing cocks in my mouth, pussy and juicy ass. I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT!! I cummed hundreds of times and I think I saw/hear a camera rolling. At one point three of them fucked me with left over fried corn dogs, in and out, in and out at the same time. I felt like I was gonna explode with cocks! By the end I was cum covered and have pussy juice, jizz and corn dog grease rubbed into every surface of my body. I asked them if I could 'see' them all next year and if they'd bring some friends. I love slutting it up sometimes. I'm still picking corn dog pieces out of my cooter and ass today. Getting turned on just thinking about garaging all that cock in my hot pussy.

Tilt My World

Bored, bored and more bored. No yummy Adam Lambert on teevee, no Noah Wylie to be seen and nothing new in wrassling or UFC. I puttered around today in an anxious state awaiting the moving in of Ridge McStuddmuffins with nothing to do. My apartment is spick and spann, I even shined the wheels on my Hoverround and ironed all my muu-muus.

So this evening I decided to dip into the can of cash in my own freezer, left over from cleaning Mary Lynn's apartment. I've already run through the dough from the Yatching club, travel ing is expenssive. Disgustic isn't it? I have been trying to hold out until the 1st when my check comes from the government along with a new moths foodstamps allotment. I've even trying to be thrifty with the USDA food giveaway stuff because no one knows what the fuc is going to happen with this crazy government run by neegros and women.

But... the carnival is in town. Yummy cotton candy, corndogs, boardwalk frieds and the like. Hot greazy carnies. A man buffet.

Dressed in my finest, a black tube top, jean shorts and my black crocs, classy, elegant and casual all at the same time. Rode the Hoverround down to the fairgrounds but had a hellluvatime navigating it over the coarse stubble of the grass. After I'd eaten my fill of cotton candy I'd laciviously licked a corndog in front of a few carnies at the food area and now, I've gota  couple of dates for later tonight. I came right home after a few rides and lots of food to get ready. Red the carnie tells me that you ain't seen nothing till you ride the Tiltowhorl nekkid. I have a feeling i'm about to find out.

Buttered McStuddmuffin

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Swanky Time In The Baptismal Font

Yesterday after I got my government cheese and other provisions I decided to wait outside for my dream man/crush/soon to be neighbor to come along. I wanted to make it seem like a big coincidence, cuz it was, that we were both there at the same time. Both of us at the Power O God Mount Zion Greater Deliverance Ministry Baptist Church at the same time! It's fatte!

Boy, did it turn out to be more than my wildest dreams! He came out and I smiled my widest, battered my eyelashes and pushed out my natural womanly 52ZZZ breasts and said, "Fancy meeting you here sir." He shifted his groceries to his hip while holding onto his cane and took my hand in his. He. Kissed. My. Hand! Swwoon!

Told me his name was Cletus Clydeburn err, Ridge McStuddmuffins and he liked a woman with some meat on her bones. We ended up sneaking off to the empty baptismal pool under the church pulpit area, giggling in the dark, sharing USDA grape juice, cereal and government cheese as we talked. He used to be in the military and then was a bouncer for a long time. Now he's disabled and looking for love.

One thing lead to another and we started making out. I was so glad I didn't wear any panties today because all mine were dirty and skidmarked up and I ain't have time to wash them. He's quite the lover, he took masterful control of me, smacking my ass as we did it doggy style, using that government cheese as lube. Too bad we didn't get a chance to finish but Ridge started shouting endearments during our hide his salami fest, he started smacking my ass and shouting sweet things like, 'Yodel like a rodeo clown! Now.. now.. pretend you're a bucket of clam chowder and I'm a hot spoon, melt baby, melt..!'

Isn't he the sweetest? Anywhays,  his love talk brought some of those stuck up skeleton whore repressed religious folks and we were kicked out and banned! I never cared for the Baptists anyhoo.

Cannot wait till Ridge moves in and I get to show him I'm the queen of blowjobs. i do them best.

And all this getting so heatted up is making me lose some weight. Ride me cowboy!

Holy Crap!

Holy crap! I'm in line at the FDA food distribution and he's HERE!!! The new guy moving in. He's just a few people behind me in line. What shall I say, what shall I do? Spirit of L Anne don't fail me now!

Looking For That Love Connection

I've been trying to sort out Mary Lynn's crap, put it into boxes (except for a few items that caught my eye that I know she'd want me to have, like her teevee set from the bedroom and most of her jewelry) and clean. It ain't been easy. She's got the weirdest stuff, like I found a box of false teeth and some other odd items. It looks like she's been the apartment kleptomaniac! She's been hording random stuff that's been blamed on me for a coons age. Sly devil.

She also had about a cool thou in cash in a coffee tin in the freezer. It's mine now. Same with all her drugs. Mine, all mine.

Her family showed up, hauled her possessions away this weekend and paid me the grand sum of two hundred for all the packing and cleaning I did. Management has already started painting and recarpeting to put someone new in by the beginning of August. I hope it's the hot guy I met the other day touring the place. He was so gorgious, graying curls, the face and body of Adonis and gentle eyes, reminds me of a older version of Lori Anne Carrington's hero in her book. I'd bet he was once a wrestler. I hope to get to know him much MUCH better. He kept asking my name so I gave him the name I hope to change my name to soon, it's much classier than my real one - Laurie Ann Carrtonning.

Because I have him to look forward to I've been trying mightly to eat those nasty fruits and veggies and been going to Curves every single day. If I'm going to ride him like a love-starved mule it would be nice to be a few pounds lighter. God knows I have to compete with all the horny old skeleton whore skanky sluts in this joint. You'd think vibrators were outlawed by the way these old birds try to seduce every man in their path. I know their games.

Gonna spend some of my new money on a swanky lingere set down at the Fashion Bug, a pink & green baby doll nighty and matching G-string. He'll never be able to resist that and my all natural womanly 52ZZZ boobies.

Meagan & The Coppers

Sos I'm home again, washing out my dainties and other laundry, figuring that I'd unpack & wash today while watching a Lifetime movie. But my Social Worker Meagan came around this morning with other ideas.

Again with the nagging about working out and eating right. Again, taken down to the Piggly Wiggly and being forced to blow what was left of my food stamps on crap like vegetables. Meagan loaded my cart with brocolli and apples and other scary types of food. The only food I like that she allowed me was lean ham slices. Tried to get a set of pork chops only to have her preach to me that I had to get lean pork loin instead. This is getting old. Now she's threatening to come over and educate me on nutriction and cooking. She made me an appointment tomorrow with a nutrictionalist. I'm not looking forward to it.

And I was dropped by Curves and forced to work out on those machiens of theirs. I just about had heart failure, hottest day of the year and I'm being manipulated by machinery! Sweat like a Baptist minister in a whore house before I was done.

Meagan would not leave me in peace, forced me to buy stuff I don't want, sweat like a hog and she prepared my dinner of sprouts and stuff not fit to eat. The veggies she cooked were still crunchy! Cooked veggies are supposed to be soft and squishy.

I got nothing done, no handwashing of delicate lady stuff, no swanky dresses run through the washer/dryer, no Lifetime movies watched. Was getting ready to lay down and pass out for awhile after Meagan left when the cops showed up. They were investigating the missing money from the Yatching club but I played dumm and said I'd never been there even when they showed me a still from the tape. It was grainy and didn't look much like me. I managed to convince them I would never trapse around dressed like a whore on the 4th. They seemed to believe me and finally left.

Ended up raiding Mary Lynn's refrigerator for some leftover stuff for dinner and tossed out that nasty vegetable dinner Meagan left for me. I was hoping tomorrow to start cleaning and clearing Mary Lynn's place but what with the nutricianalist appointment and my undone dirty drawers it looks like next week before I start. Plus we got to have a memorial for Mary Lynn for the community.

Taking In The Sights

I've been wending my way back to my home and the Pennsylvania Turnpike took me near my idol Lori Anne Denick Carrington's home so I decided I had to see her live, close up and in person. I wanted to see just how tiny she is now after all that weight loss surgery she keeps talking about in person. Plus I wanted my copy of 'The Cruiserweight' signed by that one, small or large.

Parked my ass in front of her apartment complex today with enough groceries to keep me occupied all day, Fritos, ice cream sammiches (had to eat first because it was hotter than Adam Lambert's Glambulge today), cookies, bagels, Sprite and other foods. I made sure I got the low fat low sugar varities. I watched... and watched...... and watched...... and nuttin'. All I saw was a bunch of very very old folks, even more old and decrepiant than the ones where I live. There was a smattering of very fat ladys too but none that looked as lovely as my thinspiration - Lori Anne. Just a bunch of super lardos.

When my ass started sticking to the fake leather seats on the rental car I figured it was time to go along. Wasted day. No sightings of her and the Pittsburg burbs seemed kind of dull after the last couple of weeks.  Got the runs from the food and it was hard finding a nearby public restroom.

Too bad to because I made a swanky doll to give her.

The Dog Ete My Oxycondine

Oh man, this has been a strange long trip. I took off to Detroit after my class reunion, hoping that the Super 8 doesn't catch me for the destruction to the room. Good thing I signed into the joint as one of those skeleton whores at the Yatch club.

Detroit was a huge disappointment. No hot men. Nothing but a baseball staduim, scary looking parts of town and janky janky unswanky places. I stayed a couple of days at a Motel 6 and nothing happened. No men, no excitement, no nothing. No place I went had anything happening so I couldn't decide what to do. I was still hiding from the Shitshewanna town police, Mary Lynn's family and the Super 8 folks in Lansing. Oh, and the Michigan State Police after I switched plates on the rental car.

My cell phone kept ringing over and over while I was hiding out in Detroit trying to figure out what to do that I finally cracked and answered it. And I was glad I did, as glad as if it had started to rain fried chickens and sizzling curly fries. It was Mary Lynn's family calling to tell me that poor Mary Lynn passed away and they were having a service for her this week. Her sister was under the impression that I'd gone to my reunion and would be back next week for Mary Lynn. I was shaking during this phone call, trying to figure out what they knew.

They know nothing! The police believe that Mary Lynn had been fooling with Oxycondin and other drugs and had a stroke as a result. Damn, later when I counted my pills there were some missing. She took my pills, old biddie. So the polices think she was high and halucinating when she was stumbling through the town of Shitshewannas so I'm off the hook.

I told the family how sorry I was and that yeah, I'd help clear up and pack up her apartment back home next week. Here's the kicker, they are PAYING me to do it!

So I got a Tim Horton's special lunch, 3 doughnuts, soup and coffee and decided to really treat myself on the way home. I stopped today at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, Ohio. I have been wanting to go, just knowing that they had to have a huge section for Adam Lambert. It was hot today so I gussied up in a sleeveless spagetti string dress in a ritzy shade of blue with orthopedic shoes and my Hoverround. I searched everywhere for my man BB's section but couldn't find a damn thing! Finally I saw his section and was running my Hoverround at full throttle over some tattooed freak man towards those eyes and hair that make my madianly loins quiver like the lone tooth in a meth freaks mouth. But it WASN'T Adam! It was that unoriginal insipid old dead man that cannot hold a candle to Adam, Elvis 'Pillhead' Presley.

I was so pissed off I was seeing red while I rode my Hoverround over all 6 floors of that joint looking for Adam's section. Nothing, de nada, some flipping film starring that untalented Bruce Springsteen, that old ugly alchy Billy Joel and other lousy old farts. No one new or talented or as original as Adam. I complained at the musium offices, telling them that they were all a buncha homophibian repressive haters and that I would bring down the wrath of all of precious BB's fans on their heads but they just had some ugly blad headed jealous of BB security guard manhandle me and my Hoverround out of the building. Now I'm banned for live, something about the peanut butter I accidenatly smeared on Elvis's ugly old car. Hey, I was feeling peckish and had to have a snack, they didn't have any decent food there and I ain't eating in Cleveland. I have standards.

School Daze

Managed to get over my disappointment that Rick didn't come to my room and rock my world in time to get ready for my high school reunion. Donned my hot and sexy overalls and tee, fluffed my Betty White do and went on down to the Rathskeller in Lansing.

Only a few people showed up, Tiny Joe, Stinky, Weasel, Eyeball and Ice Pick. There were also some of those stupid uppity skeleton whores too, one or two but they disappeared very quickly as the liquor flowed. I lost count of how many Ghetto Blasters I drank. I was the belle of teh ball, dancing with all my old pals to songs from the 70s. It was great to see everyone but Tiny Joe. Tiny Joe started trying to crowd dive and slam dance. He ain't got but one tooth and a patchy looking mohawk. Weasal told me later than Tiny Joe is a leading meth cooker in Lansing. I'd believe it, he's crazy enough and looks like hell.

Somehow I got back to my hotel room in one piece without a DUI and I decided to go for a swim then get into the hot tub. The hot tub was filled with hunky young guys, they told me they was from some university in Canuckistan coming down to play championship baseball at the university here. I started flirting with some of them and one thing lead to another.

This morning I awoke to find my hotel room trashed with the words 'Sooooey!' and 'Two Ton Tessy' written on the walls of my room. My holes are sore and idt looks like a parade of farm animals rampaged through here. But I'm skinnier again. Better skedaddle before I get charged with the damage. Next stop, Detroit and then home again.

Detroit better be filled with hot guys!

She's Lump

Last night I couldn't stop shaking without having something to eat so I went to a barbeque joint and chowed down. Food is the best nerve tonic there ever was and it worked it's siren magic on me. I felt much better by the time I ate a plate of ribs, fried apples, mac n cheese, tater salad, rolls and other assorted sides.

One of the waitresses started telling me that Rick Springfield of "Jesse's Girl" fame was playing down the street tonight and out I went to get me a ticket. I remember Rick from the early 70s Tiger Beat and 16 magazines. He's been oen of the hot guys papered on my early teenage wall in those years, starred in a million masturbation fantasies and owned my nights. Squeeeeeeeeeeal! Only Adam Lambert or Danny Gokey appearing would make me more excitered!

At the auditorium there were already a ton of skeleton whores all fighting to be right up front squished against the stage. I was not about to allow some dyed hair upitty cunt blonde wearing leopard print with her tiny wrinkly boobies hanging out or other skeleton whores in too tight jeans to stand in my way. Turns out they were easy-peasy to push out of my way as long as I ignored the crys of 'Hey!' and 'Who do you think you are?' and I ended up center front right up against the stage. It was lucky that I'd worn my new purple and black Wal Mart muu muu and my sparkly black crocs because I was looking smokin' hot yet classy and swanky.

Rick rocked my world. He kept loooking down at me like he could hardly believe his eyes during the songs. He looked good enough to lick up one side and down the other like the world's hottest man-cicle! He played all his hits, all looking at me and I just knew we were supposed to be together. Every time an uppity skeleton whore tried to horn in on where I was standing I just trod one of my crocs on her skankty high heeled foot and she'd back off. Towards the end of the night I wriggled out of my Wal Mart satin big girl panties, wrapped one of my hotel room keys in it and tossed it at Rick's feet. The wonder on his face as he picked up my drawers was a might thing to see.

Rushed back to the Super 8 to wait for Rick. He never showed up! Boo hoo! Now I can't get out of bed I'm so heartbroken plus I think I picked up some sorta 4th of July fungus or disease in my lady-parts. I keep crying and scratching and I didn't get a wink of sleep last night waiting for Rick. I'm so sad I can't even order a pizza.

Going In Circles

I slept in the car after Mary Lynn's family took exception with my use of the guest bathroom shower curtain. It weren't too bad but I did start scratching at Mary Lynn's bedroom window at the crack of dawn sos she'd get up and get ready to go. We were supposed to drive to the town I went to skhool in, Lansing Michigan so tomorrow night I could attend the reunion of my graudating class from St. Melba of the Holy Toast High School Reformatory.


Because I was so sleepy this morning without any grub or coffee from Mary Lynn's sisters house I went the wrong way out of Shitshawanna. Mary Lynn was no help, she went right back to sleep, snoring as I rolled through Fort Wayne and Richmond Indiana. Hell, I was most of the way to Cincinnatti by the time I realized I'd made a mistake. Mary Lynn started screeching at me that I was a durn fool that was gonna get us kilt so I slipped a couple of my zanax stash into her Metamuscil water. She passed out pretty quickly. She was still sleeping when I ran into the nearest Mickey Dees and ordered 3 extra value meals with pies.

I've been dieting good but I had to calm my nerves and figure out what to do because I surely did not want her to wake up and give me crap again. I had to keep reminding myself to stop shaking because some of those little kids with the pudding bowl haircuts and their Amish daddy kept staring at me. I guess that Amish guy had never seen lovely all natural 52ZZZ breasts before. Too bad I didn't have time to find out what Amish guys are like in the sack.

Decided to go to a nearby park, where I used some homemade chloroform to knock out Mary Lynn further, duct taped her mouth and hands and locked her ass in the truck of the rental car. She was quiet all the way back to Shitsheawanna so I decided to stop, visit Yoder's Dept. Store again and get something to wear to the reunion. I was just coming out clutching a sassy white t shirt and black overalls when I heard this gawdawful screech and saw Mary Lynn jump out of the trunk of our rented Buick! She was pointing at me and screaming I drugged her!

So I jumped into the next passing vehicle, a horse drawn buggy, pushed aside some old geezer with a ZZ Top beard and fled. The old guy shouted 'Miene Gott Im Himmell!' and a bunch of other bearded ZZ Top looking guys came run. I jumped and rolled, jumped into the drivers seat of the rental car and sped off, trunk aflappin' in the wind. Left Mary Lynn behind and took backroads into Michigan.

Just checked into a hotel of college kids, switched tags with another vehicle and eaten two Bonnie Burgers at Bonnie's Burgers here in Lansing Michigan. Checked in as Francine LaFargia, one of the skeleton whores from the 4th but paided with cash. No one's gonna know.

Getting ready to get claim my free drink at the bar and sit in a hot tub filled with fine hot young college studs. Maybe I'll get lucky, I'm wearing my lucky rhinestonned crocs.

Big Glam Doll!

One of the bestest things about Shitshewanna is leaving it go to the floating casino down river. Today I was excited to go down to the salon to get all fixed up for a night at the casino. I left Mary Lynn at her family home and took the rental car down to Trixie's Hairy Situation Salon, or is it a Saloon?

Had a VERY hard time finding the salloon, so much of a hard time that I had to stop at this weird store named 'Hippie Bob's' on the riverfront street. It was a HEAD SHOP! Lots of bongs, reefer stones, vaporizers, stinky insense, you name it. There was a guy there named Hippie Bob, silver dreadlocks to his knees wearing a Beatles Yellow Submarine Tee, frayed jeans and those stupid hippie sandals made of shredded leather and tires. He looked like he hadn't bathed since Woodstock and smelled like a goat humping a maragjewwanna plant. I'd decided to ask Bob to give me directions and see I could buy some perfume there. I thought I saw in his front window "Aromas Adjusted" but it turned out to read "Auras Adjusted" Told Hippie Bob off for false advertizing after he explained what an 'Aura' was.

I was trying to ask Hippie Bob for a crocheted tie dyed string bikini in size 6XXX when he told me my Aura really needed adjusting because I was nothing but negative energy, bullshit and lies. I told him to go lick another toad because I am perfect the way I am, a swanky plus-sized driver, model, writer, bon vivant. Hippie Bob failed to see my charms and started telling me to get the hell off his property because leeches like me, super fat people, were a drain on national resources and that we were killing Mother Nature with our overuse of resources and the strain on medical costs. Turns out Trixies was just across the street after all so I shook off the scents of patchouli oil and pot before entering the old fashioned looking salloon.

I was kinda of upset when I got to Trixies because it wasn't very swanky at all. It was in a building that looked like it was pre Civil War with white plastered bumpy walls and an uneven wooden floor. Smelled like the place ten thousand cans of Aqua Net went to die. The hair dryers were stacked up on cinder blocks and the saloon chairs were metal folding chairs. But what's a beautify gal going to do, gotta get the hair fixed for the doings up at the casino. But Trixie did a good job on my hair, I could pass for a younger, sexier, more glamorus Betty White now. She teased my hair extry high and added some sparkling pins with pink rhinestones glued to them.

The mani/pedi didn't go that well. She had a dishpan filled with cold water and added Palmolive to soak me in. Used a cheesegrater on my feet! Called them horny. she jus don't know. Cheap pink nail polish that she had to thin with nail polish remover before painting my hands and feetsies. She smeared chicken grease on my feet too, said she was all out of mosterizer stuff and my feet were tougher than mule titties.

Still, I look swell and classy so when darkness fell I donned my fabulous ball gown,  put a twenty in my purse for the penny slot machines and drove out to the casino. I played the slots and drank for free on the casino's dime an endless line of Ghetto Blasters - Malibu coconut-flavored rum mixed with Deit Coke - you get twice as drunk in half the time and stay drunker longer because of the deit cokje.

After a while I realized the guys playing the craps table weren't paying much mind I started skimming the occasional drink off the underlip of the table. I took a few chips here and there too while I minged with the crowd. The place was filled with hateful skeleton whores wihtout any class so I was mostly alone. The men in the casino could not appreciate my specshul beauty.

Too bad because tonight I wore a cream satiny strapless gown with pink roses and green vines embordered on it, pink crocs with pink rhinestones glued on. I was hot. None of those uppity skeleton whores knew how to dress, most of them wore things you'd wear to shop in Wal Mart or to weed your garden, not tempt Lady Luck or to garner the attention of a hot piece of man meat.

But none of that mattered much because I saw the most gorgus sight, a man singing lead with the casino band could have been Carole's precious BB. He looked so much like Adam Lambert it was scary! I was transfixed, standing there quivering in shock, unable to speak, staring at that beaufiyu man meat. Before I knew what happened my hips started bucking like a broncos and I had an Adamgasm right on the Craps table. It was the sweetest thing of all times!!!!!!!!!!!! Security escorted me to the parking lot. Carole was right, there are homophobians in this world that ban Adam and all Adamgasms unfairly. Shouldn't they be more concerned with the hateful mamas duct taping their kids into their car or putting the filled with chloroform kids in the trunk so that they could gamble, drink and slut it up?

However hot I looked when I got back to Mary Lynns cousins house they were waiting up for me. Mary Lynn's cousin tore off my beautiiful ball gown, accusing me of stealing guest bathroom shower curtain, wrapping it around my body and pinning it into place with safety pins. What did she care? She has another shower curtain anyhoo! I couldnd't stay in a place like that with such common people so I took myself out to sleep in the car. Tomorrow we're leaving for my high school reunion, I warned Mary Lynn I'd want to leave before her cousin got up so don't be late. I know where the cousin keeps her purse so I tihnk about about to get a new ballgown for the reunion.

WWLAD?

I wonder what L Anne Carrington would do during a week like mine.

This week I've been a travenling gal. Mary Lynn from my apartment complex asked me if she rented a car would I act as her personal driver to her hometown of Shipshewanna Indiana, or as I like to call it Shit-She-Wanna. Mary Lynn can't see well anymore, those cataracs put her in a troubles because there's not planes out to Shitshewanna so it's driving or nutting. We drove here and next we're goin gto Detroit to do something I want. She's loaded with dough, I know because I took a peek in her purse while she was napping in the seat.

I thought it might be fun so I packed all  my Muu-muus and packed my Hoverround. It is fun, if you like watching corn growing.. it's pretty dull over here, what with the Amish everywhere and not a hot man in sight. Plus it's so hot my sweaty deluxe luxury sized perfect derriere keeps sticking to the sumptious faux leather on the Hoverround seat. I'm very bored. I got warned by the local Cop Shop for almost running over a couple of small Amish kids with my Hoverround. One of those brats pointed at me and said something like "Eine grossich schwiene", whatever that means.

Sos I'm rereading my copy of "The Cruiserweight" and watching a lot of wrestling on Mary Lynn's cousins teevee. Her folks are putting me up in the basement and boy do they know how to cook! Every meal is like an endless buffet at the casinos, not to mention the over the top family restaurants catering to the Amish and Mennonites. I've had mac and cheese (the homemade kind), corn straight out of the garden, ham, bbq pork, noodle salads and 8 different kinds of pies.Best part o being here is the fridge in the corner of the basement holding all the big buffet trays of food leftover from the family reunion Mary Lynn went to. Getting ready to have a second midnight snack.

Tomorrow I'm going to get my hair washed and styled and my toenails repainted. It's too hard to reach up to my head to wash it good because of my healthy arms and I cannot reach my toes. Plus I want to look spiffy when I go up to my high school class reunion in a few days in Michigan.

Best part of the trip so far? All those free beers I downed at the riverboat casino plus the pies. Oh lawdy, if the Lord didn't mean for me to eat pies He wouldn't have made them so damn delicious. I won six bucks at the casino and some hot looking older gentleman trtied to teach me how to play craps. I told him the only craps i know about are when I down a whole box of Krispy Kremes in one sitting.

Five Fingered Foods

When I got home late on the 4th of July Ethel met me on the main apartment complex walkway and told me in a snippy tone that if I truly wanted to make up for the trouble I'd caused lately that I would get up tomorrow morning and clean the community room, top to bottom. I could even keep the leftovers in the fridge. So guess what I did? You got it!

I scored about two dozen leftover hotdogs, buns and garnishes as well as three bags of chips, buncha sweet sodas and a tankard of banana pudding. But the best thing was all the leftover party decorations! Especially the red, white & blue paper tableclothees. I used those table covers and a stapeler to fashion the most purty ballgown you've ever seen. Just in time too because I have decided to run for the Miss Pork Sausage Festival next month. I'm going to wear the ballgown while dancing in my Hoverround to 'She's A Grand Old Flag' as my talent segment. I'm sure to win!

Decided I really needed to shape up just a little between now and the pageant so I used the credit cards of those snotty Yahcting Club cunts to buy a treadmill, swimsuit and some bling. The treadmill was a bitch to get home on the Hoverround, I had to balance the box in the seat, sit on it and steer the thing. Got Jose the gardner to hump the box up to my apartment. Now to go strew those left over credit cards all around NWordtown. Let some darkie be blamed for the theft, not a classy white woman like myself.

Haven't managed to use the treadmill yet, I've been laying around experimenting with the pills, but I will soon enough. For now I'm using it to fold clothes on.

A Big Big Bang!

What a day it has been. I got up in the cool of the early part of the day and made myself as swanky as possible, shaved off the leg fur and put on tight spandex bike shorts over a bikini. While I was waiting for my  Betty White updo to set I logged onto the old computer and did what my thinsperation idol - Lori Carrington - did back when she wanted to go to a White House dinner. I forged an invite using photoshopping. No White House anything around here but I did fussy up a convincing invite to the Yatching Club's annual soiree on the 4th.

Took the bus across town to the Yathcing Club to watch the regatta and enjoy the fruits of my labor. It was better than staying in or going to the community room where Ethel and pals would be bringing hotdogs and rutabaga pickles. They all still hate me, those skinny little skeleton whores! They are just jeallus that they are dried up old hags and I'm a juicy ripe gal ready for action of a youthful 50. They keep accusing me of stealing their food. As if!

That boating place was so so swanky! Crystal chandeleiries and white silk wallpaper with doodads on it. The luncheon tables were set with white linenes, crystal and patriotic swag! I picked a piece of red, white and blue tinsel from a table and looped it through my beautiful silvering curls. The men could not stop staring at my swanky all natural 52ZZZ breats. I got a lot of dirty looks from the uppity skeleton whores there too. My curves are too much for them to measure up to.

After slipping out to powder my nose I noticed that the snooty nosed attentant in the cloak room wasn't there. I poked my head into the cloak room, wanting to ask her if I could borrow a sweater or parasol because I didn't want my gorgous milk white skin to be sunburned but she still wasn't there. So I found a pink parasol to use and realized all those nice designer purses were sitting there all on their lonesome. At first I started just looking at them but after a while they were begging me to check out the insides. I went over each and every one after donning someones abandoned golf gloves. Now I have new jewelry, credit cards and so much cash I don't quite know what to do with it. There was a lot of strange things in there, some crazy white powder in a couple I borrowed and a lot of tranks. I might have borrowed a prescribetion or four.

One of the big disappointments of the day was the food at this joint! Spinach salad with strawberries and bacon is just a waste of strawberries and bacon! They didn't have hot dogs and burgers, they were serving cut up Maine Lobster on hot dog buns with a squirt of melted butter! Brocolli! Something like lettuce called Indeeve. It was horriable! No chips, no cookies, just a lot of nasty unrecognizable foods.

I was busy trying to discreetly spit out a horsedervy made of salty black stuff on crackers that I thought was blackberry jam when the most uppity looking cunt in the place pranced up to me. She wore a white tennis dress, was really skinny with shoulder length blonde hair pulled back by a white band around her head and she demanded to see my invitation. I showed it to her and this cunt had security remove me from the premises, but I got away with my found objects including that beautiful pink parasol and I drank a sea of  Purple Jesues while I was there. I slipped my phohne number to a couple of the gents before I left.

Feeling no pain I went down to the river and started watching all the hot and hulky guys in speed boats. All that  booze and the next thing I knew I was flashing my creamy tatas for all they were worth and three guys in a speedeboat asked me if I wanted a ride on teh boat. I did indeed.

While the fireworks flashed overhead I got gang banged like I never have been,. Every hole filled and dripping with delicious fresh man juice. I cummed again and again and again. I'm going to have to hang out by the river more often. When the 3 hotties dropped me off they even gave me a whole twenty dollar bill! Lori was right about hanging around better places and getting paid for sex! I barely ate anything at all and I made bank!

Hatched

Forgive me dear diary, I've been gone due to a huge misunderstanding...

It all started with my car, that car that the Methodists gave me. They didn't tell me they hadn't registered in my name, just signed the title over to me and they sure didn't tell me it was uninsured. The nerve! Swanky folks pay to transfer it into your name, pay for the taxes and title AND put insurance on a car they give you.

I didn't know any better so one day the first week after I got that car I was tooling down the road as cool as a cucumber sitting in ranch dressing when a nice young copper pulled me over. He said my tail lights weren't working and that the plates on the car were out of date. I tried to flirt with him, batting my long eyelashes at him and making my baby blues go all innocent and as gooey as fresh cinnamon rolls but he wasn't having any of that. He had my car impounded and towed to the police impound lot!

Then that little skinny pipsqueak who couldn't have been more than 20 tried to arrest me, put me in cuffs and in the back of his police car. Boy, did I give him quite a struggle, I even pinned him against his car for five minutes between my all natural 52ZZZZ boobs, hoping he would be so delighted by my gorgieus swanky breasticals that he would forget all about this arresting nonsense and maybe fall hard for me. Nothing, he had to be gay!

Once I got down to the station the stupid cops wanted to know where my ankle monitor was after looking at my arrest history. Long story condensed down, I used my one phone call to call up Meagan. By that time the dirty cops had searched my apartment and found Adam wearing my ankle monitor and the corpse of poor George Clooney. Animal control was called and they seized my babies! I cannot have my cats back until this is all straightened out.

Meagan convinced the cops and the magnistrate that I didn't belong in jail bevcause she was claiming again that I was insane. Said anyone saying the stuff I was and wearing an orange muu-muu with puce flowers on it was clearly not in their right mind. So while I shouted and cursed I got put in a straight jacket and taken straight to the locked ward at the local hospital.

It weren't all bad. I got to watch a lot of teevee, color and draw in art therapy and I met some good folks. I met another Adam Lambert fan named Kerry. She told me she would represent me for free when I go back to court because she's a lawler. She told me all about how Adam was prefenvted from winnning Idol by the government and AT&T because they are huge homophobians. Also they are poisoning our food so she's moving to a farm soon, Unperpants Farms, invited me to stay.

I may take her up on it because I found out that the old fogies at the apartment complex are demanding I be removed because I'm a crazy criminal and sex offender now. I need some place to stay.

Traveling & Errands

I am debating driving into the big city to go to a live UFC match or staying home and writing more romance tales of me and Tito Ortiz. It's hot out there, so hot my thighs feel like someone's squirted a gallon of baby oil between them and they're wetly sliding over each other. My Chevette doesn't have air conditioning and arriving sweaty is just not swanky.

So I'm thinking I might have to lay low in the apartment till Saturday when the weather is supposed to break and there will be another UFC bout here.

Tried to go out earlier to the Wal Mart to pick up some of those 3 liter sodas with goofy names cuz they are the Wal Marts brand but the store was so crowded with sweating folks I left after getting some of their fried chicken and some garlic bread. Got a new dress too. Purple flowers with black piping around the sleeves and neck. It's a t-shirt dress. I'm planning on rocking some black crocs with this dress for the Saturday night UFC event. Maybe a wrestler will take a shine to me.

I just hope they don't use those evil skeleton whores as ring girls at the live matches.

In the meantimes I got me some Lifetime movies to watch, some yummy pizza to eat and delightful air conditioning. I'm stay away from the activities at the apartment community room because of what happened a few months ago. But I heard they're gonna have a luau tonight so I might have to head over just to get some grub and come right back. The biddies here still blame me for Marge's death. Makes the laundry room and mail boxes very awkward.

My Chevette

I haven't been posting because I've been busy with my new toy. The ladies of the church gave me a deceased member's old car, a Chevette. The stuffing is coming out of the upholstery, duct tape holds on some of the pieces and the paint is peeling something fierce but it means sweet sweet freedom. I've been driving all over timbuktu. I even drove it across town to the new doctor this morning to get some of them dieting pills.

It's opened up a whole new world to me. Now I can drive over to Aldi's and get their food. My food stamps go a lot farther there than the Piggly Wiggly. Only problem is that sometimes those awful Duggar type families are in there with their gazillion kids grabbing all the bags of tator tots and candy. I started going early just to make sure they are busy homeskooling and not getting my way. Too hard to use the Hoverround when there are fifty kids in each aisle.

The courts still don't know that my cat Adam is wearing the home monitoring ankle bracelet and I ain't telling them. The thing chafed and smelled like criminals. Horrible skeleton whore criminals.

I've decided while I'm working hard on losing weight I'm going to emulate my hero and write a book on turning fifty. So what have I learned in the last year since I turned fifty? Lots of stuff.

1 - Don't fry bacon while nekkid.
2 - On a hot day when you're riding your Rascal you should put a little baby powder on the seat to keep from sticking and making those embarrassing fart noises when you stand up.
3 - Churches are a good place to get food and other help.
4 - Make sure you never go to a fraternity "Pig Party"
5 - Don't give others rides on the back of your Rascal.
6 - When helping out at someone elses funeral make sure the family is not angry with you first.
7 - Dieting is impossible
8 - Exercise is even more impossible
9 - Get used to your weight because it's too hard to lose it.
10-Always get the name of the gentleman that molesters you in the gym hot tub/steam room.
11-The Piggly Wiggly is a great place to pick up new music and men folks.
12-Fritos and BBQ can make anything instantly better
13-Those American Idol guys are the sexiest on the planet
14-Jail food sucks
15-Healthy food sucks
16-Vegetables suck
17-Other peoples prescriptions are a good way to self medicate
18-Home monitoring ankle bracelets are uncomfortable.
19-It's easy to fix a broken bra with some duct tape.

Footloose

I haven't posted inna couple of days because I have been enjoying sweet sweet freedom. Since they put that ankle monitoring thing on me I've been trying to figure out how to get it off. Because my leg is so healthy it took two bands linked together to put around my ankle sos I've been oiling it up and working it around until I gots it loose enough to slip off my leg and onto one of my cats, Adam. I have it looped loosely around Adam's collar and those screws will never know. Now it will just register me moving around the apartment while I'm really out doing what I want.

Getting around was still a big ole problem since the po-po took my Rascal but I figured out a way around that too. Call the Hoverround folks, who called my doctor, who wrote a scipt for it and Medicare approved it. I got my brand spanking new Hoverround with a special Slurpee holder and sharp looking leatherette uphostery.

Yesterday I took it to the Piggly Wiggly to shop for Pringles and Sprite and now I'm on my way to the all night Wal Mart. That copy of "For Your Entertainment" Carol gave me outside of the Piggly Wiggly got broke somehow and I need a new one. Carol is nowhere to be seen.

Tomorrow I'm off to Bingo and a Pancake supper at the church down the street. Those ladies are still checking on me, bringing me food and they've been hinting they have something good in store for me. Which would be awesome since everyone here is treating me lika sereal killer still.

In And Out

I ended up going to the ER this morning because those runs would just not stop! My bowels were like the Mississippi River flowing through Memphis, except not quite so muddy. Started wondering if I had contracted Ebolar or some trashy womens disease from those uppity skeleton whores so off I wents to the hospital.

The nice young (HOT!) doctors in the ER fussed and fretted, thinking I might have some serious problems with my poop chute. They said they only smelled something that ripe when there was ganggreen in their. I told them that I couldn't have ganggreen because I hadn't been gang-banged recently but none of them took the hint. They sent me off to Radiology to get a Barium Enema.

I was thrilled that I've lost more weight but they think it's just the pooping, says it's all water. 

More young cute doctors! Lubing up my butt and putting a rubber hose in there. My lady parts got all het up as they manipulated my body and turned me thisaway and thataway. After the exam I purred out a request for a hot young kielbasa up my butt, got on all fours. To my delight one of those hotties started servicing me immediately, filling my hole hard but when I turned around it was just the janitor trying to poke my butt with the mop handle to make me move off the table and get dressed. I was sorely disappointed.

They didn't find nothing awrong with me, said I must just be super sinsitive to those sugar alcowholes in the chocolate. I got sent home with a bottle of Maalox.

Took the bus home and decided on some beenie weenies for dinner. I read someawhare that one of those snuty skeleton whore diet coaches said that beans were the 'go-to' food for dieting. Just as I was getting ready to eat my beenieweens Meagan arrived and conviskated them. She says that's not the kind of beans they meant.

So now Meagan is insisting I go to see a diet doctor as well as go to Curves every day.  I agreed. I'm just so happy to be out of jail and around men and food again. Better go, it's UFC night and I have some Brock Lesnar to drool on.

Running

Just found out tonight why you shouldn't eat an entire box of Russell Stoverrs sugar free chocolates in one sitting. It gives you the worst cramps and diaahareeha, errr.. dieaareeha, em... the runs on the planet. My heinie has no more skin.

Bah Baloney & Bars

So okay. I'm finally home again after a month in the jailhouse. I was arrested on the charges of indencent exposure and sexual battery and a bunch of other nonsense. Apparently when I was busy having some fun in the hot tub those gellus dried up old prudes working at the gym were calling the cops lying about me. They arrested me, I went to the pokey & bonded out the next day.

Two days later my check to the bail bondsman bounced and they picked me up and made me stay in jail till I went to trial. Me! Swanky, classy, upper crust me!! Incarcerated with skeleton whores, hookers, crackheads and big old ugly lesbiens. No innnernet, no decent food, no safety. I kept to myself every day.

The one good thing is that I did lose five pounds on that awful food! Green baloney don't agree with my delicate constitution. Losin' a few pounds and avoiding getting pounded on by those low class hookers are the ONLY good to come from my stay.

After I went up before the judge to explain I was too classy of a lady for prison Meagan said the same nasty lies to the judge she said last time, that I'm clearly insane. The judge said that may be but now I'm a clearly insane sex offender. So he put me on probation and ordered me on home confinement. I have to wear an ankle monitor to make sure I go no further than the grocery store and doctor once a week. I am confined to the grounds of the apartment complex for the most part.

When I got home I've been super busy because the cat litter box was overflowing poop and pee, my cats were half-dead from starvation and they'd clawed up all my new Danny Gokey photos. So it's back to drooling on Adam Lamber again. I might have to give that Carol a call to see what I missed. I've been thinking about watching American Idol again too.

My social worker Meagan pointed out that none of this excuses me from dieting even as I'm banned for life from the hospital therapy workout gym. She's gotten me a membership over at Curves, all ladies and no pool and they made me sign a piece of paper agreeing not to sexually molest the other ladies. Damn, no men there at all.

Time to go shoppin, I'm totally out of food, even been fasting all day till I got the goop scraped out of the fridge. Stinks, a month of rotten food inside.

Back in the fray trying to diet again. Walking that careful trightrope between real food and losing it.

Busted

I've been in jail. The baloney and dried cheese sammiches have been making me fatter.

I'll explain more tomorrow. Apparently I'm a 'danger to the community' and a sexual predator according to the gym.

Gymboree

I stayed inside puttering around today, writing wonderful tales of Danny Gokey and a journalist based on me. It's a love story and I'm putting some really hot stuff into it! I'm going to get it published because I know everyone out there would be interested in reading about hot Gokey pokey.

It's so hot that I forgot to eat today and those pesky cat brats kept driving me insane with their meowing for food and petting. By the time I took the bus down to the gym I was het up in parts south, if you know what I mean. My swanky 56ZZZ tittays were standing up at attention in my new swimsuit and I flew through my exercise routine thinking about riding Danny like he was an inflatable man, errr, cowboy..umm, wrassler... I meant hobby horse. I guess I was rubbing myself in the hot tub because the guy next to me got so hot and bothered that he whipped out his giant kielbasa and started rubbing it. I rubbed, he rubbed, fast and furious, more and more. Just as we were reaching shangrila the lifeguard stormed over and shouted, "Oh great! Now I gotta sanitize the whole damn pool area again!" We got tossed from the joint. I never did find out my admirers name.

Love

I think I'm in love. I have that tingly feeling all over and I cannot eat, sleep or do anything but lay on the sofa and stare at the tv screen. I've been watching American Idol Rewind and wondering how I could have skipped noticing the masculine hotness that is Danny Gokey! I renamed my cats, Adam and Lambert to Danny and Gokey in his honor!

The glasses give him a look of intelligent interlectual prowess and i know he's in the need of sweet sweet loving since his wife died right before Idol. When I wasn't watching him on AI Rewind I was Googling With Out Probable Cause to find out all about him, his habits, his likes, his hangouts.

I could see myself as Mrs. Danny Gokey II after I lose a few more pounds. I wonder if he's ever going to play near here? His music makes my loins quiver and my brain think very dirty thoughts.

People have been stopping by to pound on the door all day but I cannot be bugged to answer because I'm busy with Danny "Better Than Moonpies" Gokey. No more Adam Lambert for me.

Mudbutt

Today I went down to the gym on the bus and tried to do my exercises. Ended up spending money that I really needed for a new Rascal on a new swimsuit. I got a swanky one in royal blue with hot racing stripes. I could feel the admiring eyes of all the hot gentlemen down at the pool. Lots of staring at my all natural ZZZ59 inch boobs.

But that food from the church has given me the runs. Not swanky. In fact it upsets me because I was hoping for a hot kielbasa  up the keister by one of the hot guys at the gym. You can't have hot butt sex if you have the runs. I wasted all that time sitting in the sauna waiting for some stud to fill my holes for nothing.

Short Prayer

Without my Rascal I'm a virtual prisoner. I went nowhere today and did nothing. Plus, I'm a sight more humiliated now that those ugly canasta playing biddies here spread the word I'm a jail bird. Easier to stay inside and mastur-you-know-what over pictures of wrasslers than face their smug skeleton whore faces.

Mastur-yoo-know-what is an exercise, isn't it?

So I exercised too.

Around dark one of them nice ladies I met at church last week came around with some food goodies for me. Says the congregation was concerned that I didn't show up today and decided to see what was up. I broke down in tears and confessed my sad situations and how my Rascal got took by the long arm of the law. Miz Jenkins, the visitor, told me that they'd get me a lawyer for free from the congregation and they'd see what they could do about transportation for me.

After she left I was happy to note that there were not one but two blueberry pies in that food box. Who can think about dieting when life is serving you shit sandwiches?

Life Of Crime

Today was the pits, literally the pits. I weighed in at the gym before trying to walk in the pool track and I have not gained or lost an ounce in two weeks. I'm still 17 pounds down. Ugh. I guess I should make more of an effort not to eat. I cannot afford to get gastric banding like L Anne.

When I got home from the gym visit the coppers were waiting for me, waiting on my door. Turns out there have been a whole slew of complaints according to them about me and my Rascal driving. They know I ran over Esther's foot and that my arrival in the middle of the Canasta game on my Rascal triggered Marge's heart attack. They told me that Marge's family wants me charged with manslaughter for my role in her heart attack but they had to explain to the family that it would be difficult to prove in court.

The nice officers mentioned that there were reports of a large woman on a Rascal stealing a plate dinner from the Kiwanis fundraiser and racing through the Piggly Wiggly parking lot narrowly missing running over kids and pets. And another report of a woman on a Rascal crashing multiple private events at the Best Western. And yesterday, they apparently caught me on camera rolling down the street with Cyndia and the accident.

They said they had no option but to arrest me on a buncha charges, petit theft, assault with a deadly weapon, theft by impersonation and operating a motor vehicle on the street without license or registration plus, the capper, leaving the scene of an accident. They put me in the big police car in handcuffs, took me downtown and booked me. I'll never get that yucky fingerprint ink off my beautiful pink fingers.

I was incarcerated for most of the day until I called Meagan. She came down to the station and talked the cops into releasing me on my own recognize. They did take my Rascal and I will have to go to court but I'm out. Meagan kept arguing that someone as fat as me had to be out of their right mind in the first place and putting the mentally ill in jail for things they did while out of their mind was unethsatian or unethically.

Jail was miserable. The worst thing was the food and the people. The meals were stale white bread, stale baloney and almost rotten oranges. How can you keep body and soul together on such a meal of such mean serving sizes? It was yuck!

The holding cell I was in was filled with drunken skeleton whores sleeping off booze and prostitutes! I'm too high class of a person to be consorting with escorts! I hope I didn't pick up crabs or worse sitting on the toilet seat. Gonna douche with Lysol and then scrub down my body with Pine Sol. I think I have jailhouse stink on me now. This whole day was too humiliating for someone as high class as me.

Perhaps I should email L Anne and ask her how she handled all her time in the pokey for her various crimes. I would love to hear what the goddess has to say about jailing.

The Road To Hell

is paved with good intentions..

Today I did real good at dieting, at least until I went down to the Silver Strutters dancing thingee. Okay, so I'm not 'officially' a senior but since I'm disabled and living in an apartment complex for impoverished seniors and cripples I'm frequently invited to participate in free events geared towards senior citizens run by the local community services board. Once a month they hold a tea dance and once a month I put on my prettiest floral dress and white gloves to attend.

It's extra swanky, they even use the fancy expensive paper napkins that look like cloth. There's punch and tea cookies in plastic that could pass for silver and crystal. With the fake flower arrangements and other stuff if you squint real hard you could almost imagine you're having high tea at the Yacht Club.

I don't rightly dance, I spin around the dance floor without a partner in my Rascal to the old timey music between visits to the punch bowl and cookies. Today the skinny uppity c-word in charge told me that Meagan had instructed her I could not use my Rascal there, I had to stand and dance! As if! For the kicker I was also told I was FORBIDDEN to have any punch or cookies. Meagan left strict orders that I was to be allowed a glass of cool water only.

That really chapped my fanny so I didn't dance, I sat off to the side and seethed, watching Mary Byrd show off her ballroom dancing skills with some ugly fag from the local Arthur Murray school. Big deal. So the old bat can dance, she lives on lettuce leaves. But she doesn't have my sex appeal.

Eventually Cyndia Lou from the next apartment building over from mine, showed up and sat next to me. Cyndia doesn't dance either on account of hers many problems, one clubbed foot, glasses like coke bottle bottoms and she's still mostly blind, asthma, you-name-it she's got it. I could hear her rattling wheezing breath before I saw her. I don't know her too well so I was really surprised when she suggested we ditch this snoozefest and hightail it down to McDonalds.

We worked out a system, Cyndia beeing so short and tiny would stand on the battery at the back of my Rascal and I would pilot the Rascal over to McDonalds. In exchange for riding her down there Cyndia would buy me a extry value meal of 2 fish sammiches with fries and a jumbo choco shake.

Got there in one piece and got our food. Damn, it was good, better than that bowl of oatmeal I had for breakfast. That oatmeal made me so hungry the rest of the morning. Cyndia might be teensy but she could put away the food, ete a Big Mac, fries, 10 piece nugget, a pie and a shake. Good times.

The problems started happening on the way home. Traffic was way worse and folks were swooping by at the speed of light, honking at me to get out of the street. Cyndia got scared and kept clutching me hard, scratching me with her nails atrying to dig in to stay on. I kept slapping at her hands. Ended up driving my precious Rascal into a lightpole. Cyndia was thrown from the back, her glasses flew off and a 18 wheeler ran 'em over. She lay there in the bushes bleeding like a stuck pig from a head wound screeching I owed her for a new pair of glasses because my Rascal-driving caused her to lose her glasses.

I got so flustered I accidentally backed my Rascal over her before I floored it and got the heck out of there, leaving her screaming in the bushes. Cyndia will be alright, I think, I hope. But I guess I'll be tiptoing to the door to see who's there out the spyhole for a while.

Stiff As A Broad

This morning didn't hold much promise, just a bunch of old biddies fighting over where we should put the fake flower arrangements for Marge's memorial held tonight in the community room. Felicia wanted the silk flowers around the main table with the burial urn but Gladys says that is just tacky. I tuned out as they found and thought about sweet sweet George Clooney. What I wouldn't do to that hunk o man!

After that frustrating meeting I went to the gym to work out, just like my social worker Meagan was demanding. But I had a bit of a problem, as I slid off my Rascal and stripped til I was buck nekkid a man came into the room. I could tell right away he was turned on by my all natural 47EEE boobies and curves by the way he turned red and started panting. It was only when I tried to take his pants down to give him a blow job that I found out he was dead. I guess the shock of seeing all-natural all-woman me was too much for his old ticker. I did lift a couple of twenties from his bill fold before the EMTs hauled his biscuits away.

The memorial service for Marge was too long, too boring and not enough good food at it. There were rutabaga pickles, tomato aspic, stale saltines and hard cheese slices on bread sandwiches. I made PB&J mini sandwiches and sugar cookies. But I didn't get to eat any of it, Marge's family took offense at me being there after hearing that my Rascal riding to taste the coffee cake may have caused Marge's pacemaker to go haywire and her heart to die. They kicked me out of the reception.

Late

So I'm late posting about yesterday's dieting day. There wasn't much dieting going on. I'm supposed to be making snacks for Marge's memorial service this afternoon and it was a day fraughht with perils. The first batch of cookies I eat the dough for. The second and theird batch mostly made it to the oven.

Did okay on the eating if you forget about the cookie dough, I had a crab stuffed avacado, some rice cakes, and a dietatetic chicken pot pie with a whole lotta diet soda.

They asked me to be one of the folks to speak about Marge but nothing I said persuaded apartment managment to let me into her apartment to find something that reminded me of Margie to show and talk about. Spoilsports. I just wanted to see what was in her medicine cabinet and fridge. I burned through her Ativan the day after the Pig Party incident.

Gotta make up the little fingery sammiches this morning before I run down to the Fashion Bug and see if they still carry pantyhose in size 5XX. Think I'm going to have my hair did too, it's a little wild right now, hard to style like Betty White's.

Adamite

I had to take my kitty Adam to the vet today. He's due for his shots.

I can see I'm going to have to do what Meagan is demanding and work out daily. It was a bitch getting Adam in his cat crate from my Rascal and just picking up the crate to roll over to Dr. B's office. I can see where walking might have it's advantages. It was hard to hold Mr. Adam down on the examination table from my Rascal too. Dr. B. missed Adam when Adam squirmed and I ended up getting the Rabies shot instead.

Today I was virtuous and boring in my eating. I had yogurt, fruit, a crab meat stuffed avocado and a Dove ice cream bar. I'm well under my calorie count.

But I don't know how long that's gonna last. Marge died and the resident committee here asked me to help with the refreshments. I've been drafted to make sammichs and cookies for the memorial service on Thursday night in the community room.

It's going to be hard to heat up those Pillsbury cookie rolls without eating some of their sweet sweet deliciousness. I might have to fast all day so I can sample all the food at the memorial service.

Tomorrow morning we're having a planning meeting for the memorial and reception so I'll be up bright and early for that. I almost hope someone brings doughnuts..mmmm doughnuts.

I wonder what Marge has left in her fridge and if I can jimmy the lock.

Miss Pig

I found out last night that a Pig Party is not something you should ever want to attend if you're a lady. I'm still upset and trembling from what happened last night. I haven't been answering the door or the phone today. I've been sitting here in the dark with a package of baloney, white bread and mayo eating sandwiches and chips ahoy cookies to calm my mind.

Right after posting last night I started getting ready for the party. I took a bath, thoroughly washing all my parts with a washrag on a stick dipped into Joy dishwashing liquid. I wanted to smell nice just in case my date turned intimate. I curled my hair to look like Betty White and used the last of my Maybelline Wet n' Wild makeup, blue eye shadow, pink blush, pink lipstick before donning my new clothes and black Crocs.

I waited on the sidewalk in front of the apartments a long long time before Chester pulled up in his van. Unfortunately we couldn't get my Rascal into the van so I had to chain it to stop sign before getting into the van. Chester looked yummy! Short brown hair, he looks like a young Taylor Hicks but with prettier eyes. He belched a lot and smelled like beer. He was such a gentleman at first, offering me a Mickey's Big Mouth Malt Liquor for the ride to the frat house. He's a member of Tappa Kegga Breu.

When we got to the frat house I was feeling no pain because I'd had four Mickeys at that point. The party room in the house was decorated with farmyard things, bales of hay, real live goats, sheep and a calf. Most of the guys seemed pretty drunk already and there was a wide selection of booze. I was careful not to step in the piles of poo from the animals as I didn't want to ruin my shoes.

Most of the guys had dates but boy, was I surprised at who they brought. No uppity skeleton whore types at all. There were many fat gals and a whole lot of very ugly girls. No one was making out, just standing around drinking until the music started. No one danced but one dude got up and announced into the lone microphone that they were almost ready to crown Miss Pig of the night.

By that time all the Mickeys I drank combined with all the cheap wine and Chester started looking pretty good to me. I kept batting my eyelashes at him and smiling but he still didn't get the message that I wanted to screw so I grabbed his fine tight ass and rubbed up against him. He pushed me away and said, "Knock it off. I wouldn't bang you if you were the last nasty ho on the planet."

Chester shoved me just hard enough to make me lose my balance, I fell down gasping, "Then what am I doing here if it's not romantic. Don't you want to spurt milky white ropes of cum in me?'

He snickered and said, "Are you kidding? You're my entry for the Miss Pig contest." Before I could react to his shocking words the MC announced my name as Miss Pig. Everyone laughed at me and pointed and yelled 'Soooooooey!'. I could feel myself turning red and I RAN out of the room shrieking, trying to get as far away from those laughing jackasses as possible.

Took me an hour to get home using the bus system. Some old toothless wino at the main bus station offered me five bucks to sleep with him but I ignored his uncultured ass.

Tomorrow is another day and I'll show all these sniggering idiots, I'll diet, I'll exercise and I'll lose the weight! Help me L Anne!!

Praise The Lard!

I found a way to weasel out of that frustrating exercise regimen that nosy Meagan the Social Worker cooked up for me daily. I told her I was very religious and I could NOT do worldly things on a Sunday, I believed in keeping the Sabbath holy.

She bought it and backed off trying to force me to sweat today. But Meagan kept questioning me what religion I was. In a pinch the only thing I could come up with was that I was a member of the Methodists down the street. Just in case Meagan was watching me, checking out my story, I gussied up in my finest dress and rolled down the street in my Rascal around 8 am for the first service.

From the first moment I opened the door and smelled the heavenly aroma of pancakes and sausage I knew I was in the right place. Turns out they were having a pancake breakfast. I had seconds and thirds that everyone was urging on me. What nice people!

I sat through the first service and found out there was coffee, doughnuts and cake after each service. Praise the Lard, that's what I call a religion! By gumm, I stayed for all three services and had something to eat after each. By the time the pot luck dinner rolled around I was feeling like a tick about to explode!

Some of the members asked about my situation and I explained I was disabled and getting by on a small fixed income from the government. They were all atwitter about that, took up a collection for me as well as gave me gift cards to a couple of local restaurants and grocery stores. It was like hitting the lottery! I have to do this religion stuff more often!

I even had enough money to go get a new outfit for the frat party tonight. I got a pair of sparkly spandex leggins and a sequinned top with the words 'Hot Stuff' spelled out in glitter on the front. I'm doing my hair in a few minutes and putting on a little makeup.

Planning on having a swinging time with Chester tonight. Hell, I might even get laid if I'm swanky enough!

Walk This Way

Did ja ever have a day that started out bright and sunny, like you couldn't lose and you just knew it was going to be a glorious A-Okay day only to have it come apart at the seams like a cheap Korean-make polyester bra? That's been the kindaofaday I'm having but the night is looking up.

Today's the day when the USDA gives out the government cheese, butter and other yummy foods down at the local church. I took the bus down from the apartments across town very bright and early to make sure I get some. There's always folks waiting with me but lately it's been more crowded than than swanky skeleton coke-whores at Charlie Sheen's house. People you never would think are on assistance have been crashing the party over at the food bank and USDA.

And it's a good thing I got there early too because they ran out of food eventually. I managed to get two boxes, two monthly rations, because when I'd borrow the money, drugs and candy out of Marge's purse I took her bus pass to get here and her monthly ration card. I told the ladies running the program that Marge was getting out of the hospital today or tomorrow and I needed to pick hers up too. They believed me and gave me a full extra month's ration. They don't know that Marge has taken a turn for the worst last night and will be in the hospital quite a while longer. She won't miss the cheese and butter.

By the time I got my spoils home it was almost lunchtime. I put all teh groceries away before settling down with the kitties to watch a Lifetime movie. I didn't get but a few minutes worth watched when my Social Worker Meagan appeared. She told me I had physical therapy down at the hospital wellness center and nothing I said would dissuade Meagan. What the hell does she know about losing weight anyhoo? She's a stick figure strumpet showing off all the time, flipping her long blonde hair and wriggling her non-existent ass.

When we got to the health center Meagan made me leave my Rascal at the front door, telling me she wanted me to walk as much as possible. Oh hell, my legs started hurting right away but the only thing that they would do is give me a tylenol for the pain before some other skinny skeleton whore uppity c-word started trying to make me show her how much I could do on various exercise equipment. Then they made me get into the swimming pool and walk around the edge over and over and over again until I was so dizzy that I didn't know  I wasn't on a Tilt-A-Whirl.

Afterwards Meagan and the snotty instructor told me I have to come in this place every morning and do the exercises they've worked out for me. Damn, I hate this, by the time I left all I wanted was a long nap and an extra super sized serving of Mickey Dees fries.

So I napped before taking my Rascal on the tree-lined streets of my local university. One of the young boys in front of a frat house invited me in so I went. Most of his buddies were passed out in the shrubbery and there was left over bags of McDonald's chow and pizzas as well as beer. I helped myself and the guy that invited me insisted I come back the next night. They're having something called a 'Pig Party' and I'm his date for the party.  Chester is his name and he's a cutey! I can't wait till tomorrow night. I feel like a cougar. He doesn't even mind my Rascal.

Wish me luck

Laid Low

I've had to act my large ass off. If only it really took teh pounds away.

The cops are asearching for Marge's purse. They seemed to think I might know where it is. But I told them nope, hadn't a clue, before high tailing it back to the community room and stashing it under the sofa. But only after I removed an emergency twenty from a flap in the wallet, her big bottle of Ativans and a delicious Snickers bar. The coppers were at someone else's apartment as I got back and asked me why I was sneaking around. I explained I'd gone out to get a 'snack' and waved the Snickers in their faces.

I think I've pulled it off, pulled the black wool over the pigs eyes. They left and they ain't been back. I heard from Thelma down at the mail boxes that Marge's purse had been found under the sofa where she'd left it. The other residents were all saying Marge had plum lost her durn fool mind and couldnd't remember where she left that purse. Turns out Marge will be coming home from the hospital tomorrow.

Spent the rest of the day listening to the Adam Lambert CD that Carol gave me at the Piggely Wiggly! It's so grate! How could I have missed such musical mastery, a genius, Freddie Mercury but more on keey and relevant? I've been dancing to a song called 'Aftermath', it's my theme song for my weight loss. Been looking at all the photos on Adam Official and I am in love!

Get Creative!

Yesterday before I could throw out all those scary sickening veggies my Social Worker came back. Her name is Mary and she took over my kitchen, trying to make me cook all that disgusting low fat low sugar tasteless hockey pucks and such like. I kept dreaming about licking chocolate sause off those yummy MMA guys and kept losing track of what she was rambling on about.

Today I decided to try one of the dishes Mary cooked up. It was marked 'Chile Relenos'. I was so excited because they are soooooooo good! Gooey melted cheese stuffed in a battered and fried up pepper. Well sir, I took one bite of hers and nearly gagged! IT WAS STUFFED WITH VEGETABLES!! and not much cheese. No fried battered up skin and the pepper was so damn hot! She musta used some sort of Guatemalan Insanity Pepper. Just scraping the nasty remains into the garbage disposal left hot pepper oil on my fingers. I forgot and touched my eyes and my twat with my burning fingers and was blind and horney for an hour. I bet it burns coming out of my tangy bung tomorrow too. Burned going in.

Supper time came and I decided to put one of L Anne's rules in place. When out of yummy food or food stamps simpley crash a swanky social event. I put on my ritzy blue and turquoise dress and went to hang out at the local Best Western hotel. I ate with the Rototarians, I grazed the buffet line at a gay wedding AND I got cake over at the AA meeting. No one caught on that I didn't belong there till the bitter end. I was taking trays of horse-dervys and pouring them into my pocket book when one of those guys wearing a silly hat with a tassel on it told me it was a private event with no women allowed. He went to get the hotel manager as I skedaddled out the back door, full and toting as much food as I could slip into the zip lock bags in my purse.

One more day before they hand out the government cheese but I think I have enough rumaki, mushroom puffs and cheese cubes sos that I never have to eat those scary vegetables tomorrow.

Piggums & Diet Tips

I spent this morning trolling the internet for dieting tips to get that Nazi Social Worker off my back. I'm still afraid to go into the kitchen anywhere near the refridgerator because I am afraid to be near vegatables.

There's all sorts of advice on the internet. There's even a hole bunch of contradicotry advice. One site said to stop eating and drink shakes. I wanted to try that but I cannot work out how you would lose weight considering a Mickey Dee's Triple Thick Chocolate shake in the largest size is at least 1160 calories each. They tell you to eat 4 shakes a day that is over 4400 calories in one day. Ain't gonna lose any weight.

It was hard chasing down L Anne Carrington weight loss tips and at first all I could find were some crappy articles about setting tables and how to have a book signing without sucking. Any book signing that didn't have food would suck anyhoo. Then I read she is a chocoholic so I figured I'd get some more of those Faygo diet chocolate cream sodas, but that would mean a trip back to the Piggly Wiggly. And Carol.

Carol loves Adam Lambert, who she keeps calling 'BB'. I named my cats for him after seeing him on Idol but Carol is all things Adam. I might get derailed from my diet duties if I stopped to talk again. Besides I need to call up the Piggly Wiggly first and see if they also have Xenadrine (L Anne recommendeded) or will I have to hit up Rite Aid.

I went to Walgreens and got Xenadrine, diet Dr Pepper, diet chocolates and new pair of flip flops for modivation when I smelled IT again. The IT was wonderful food, bbqed pig, dripping with succulent tangy bung barbeque sauce. There were tankards of creamy potato salad and macaroni salad slathered with gallons of mayonnaise! Coleslaw, buns, brownies, sauisages. I had a foodgasm right then and there before putting the Rascal in HIGH gear and hightailing over to the Kiwanis BBQ booth at the edge of the Piggly Wiggly parking lot.

With a days worth of hunger pulsing through my hot veins I snatched away a full go-box of the goodies from the hands of an elderly man wearing a silly hat. They stood there looking at me, all of them, as I rolled away like I was in the Indy 500 towards the wooded area behind my apartments. I knew it was wrong, I knew it was fattening but a force beyond my control took over and I ate that pork sandwich with sides and every bit of what was served up.

I was sad to note that I'd gotten barbeque sause all over my finest polyester muu-muu and flip flops. Tropical flowers with orange splashes of sause.

But I'm happy, happier than I've been in a coons age just to be full again. After the cops stop pounding on my door I'm going to put on a blindfold and clear all of those horrible health foods out of the fridge. I'll start this diet again tomorrow.