I am debating driving into the big city to go to a live UFC match or staying home and writing more romance tales of me and Tito Ortiz. It's hot out there, so hot my thighs feel like someone's squirted a gallon of baby oil between them and they're wetly sliding over each other. My Chevette doesn't have air conditioning and arriving sweaty is just not swanky.
So I'm thinking I might have to lay low in the apartment till Saturday when the weather is supposed to break and there will be another UFC bout here.
Tried to go out earlier to the Wal Mart to pick up some of those 3 liter sodas with goofy names cuz they are the Wal Marts brand but the store was so crowded with sweating folks I left after getting some of their fried chicken and some garlic bread. Got a new dress too. Purple flowers with black piping around the sleeves and neck. It's a t-shirt dress. I'm planning on rocking some black crocs with this dress for the Saturday night UFC event. Maybe a wrestler will take a shine to me.
I just hope they don't use those evil skeleton whores as ring girls at the live matches.
In the meantimes I got me some Lifetime movies to watch, some yummy pizza to eat and delightful air conditioning. I'm stay away from the activities at the apartment community room because of what happened a few months ago. But I heard they're gonna have a luau tonight so I might have to head over just to get some grub and come right back. The biddies here still blame me for Marge's death. Makes the laundry room and mail boxes very awkward.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
My Chevette
I haven't been posting because I've been busy with my new toy. The ladies of the church gave me a deceased member's old car, a Chevette. The stuffing is coming out of the upholstery, duct tape holds on some of the pieces and the paint is peeling something fierce but it means sweet sweet freedom. I've been driving all over timbuktu. I even drove it across town to the new doctor this morning to get some of them dieting pills.
It's opened up a whole new world to me. Now I can drive over to Aldi's and get their food. My food stamps go a lot farther there than the Piggly Wiggly. Only problem is that sometimes those awful Duggar type families are in there with their gazillion kids grabbing all the bags of tator tots and candy. I started going early just to make sure they are busy homeskooling and not getting my way. Too hard to use the Hoverround when there are fifty kids in each aisle.
The courts still don't know that my cat Adam is wearing the home monitoring ankle bracelet and I ain't telling them. The thing chafed and smelled like criminals. Horrible skeleton whore criminals.
I've decided while I'm working hard on losing weight I'm going to emulate my hero and write a book on turning fifty. So what have I learned in the last year since I turned fifty? Lots of stuff.
1 - Don't fry bacon while nekkid.
2 - On a hot day when you're riding your Rascal you should put a little baby powder on the seat to keep from sticking and making those embarrassing fart noises when you stand up.
3 - Churches are a good place to get food and other help.
4 - Make sure you never go to a fraternity "Pig Party"
5 - Don't give others rides on the back of your Rascal.
6 - When helping out at someone elses funeral make sure the family is not angry with you first.
7 - Dieting is impossible
8 - Exercise is even more impossible
9 - Get used to your weight because it's too hard to lose it.
10-Always get the name of the gentleman that molesters you in the gym hot tub/steam room.
11-The Piggly Wiggly is a great place to pick up new music and men folks.
12-Fritos and BBQ can make anything instantly better
13-Those American Idol guys are the sexiest on the planet
14-Jail food sucks
15-Healthy food sucks
16-Vegetables suck
17-Other peoples prescriptions are a good way to self medicate
18-Home monitoring ankle bracelets are uncomfortable.
19-It's easy to fix a broken bra with some duct tape.
It's opened up a whole new world to me. Now I can drive over to Aldi's and get their food. My food stamps go a lot farther there than the Piggly Wiggly. Only problem is that sometimes those awful Duggar type families are in there with their gazillion kids grabbing all the bags of tator tots and candy. I started going early just to make sure they are busy homeskooling and not getting my way. Too hard to use the Hoverround when there are fifty kids in each aisle.
The courts still don't know that my cat Adam is wearing the home monitoring ankle bracelet and I ain't telling them. The thing chafed and smelled like criminals. Horrible skeleton whore criminals.
I've decided while I'm working hard on losing weight I'm going to emulate my hero and write a book on turning fifty. So what have I learned in the last year since I turned fifty? Lots of stuff.
1 - Don't fry bacon while nekkid.
2 - On a hot day when you're riding your Rascal you should put a little baby powder on the seat to keep from sticking and making those embarrassing fart noises when you stand up.
3 - Churches are a good place to get food and other help.
4 - Make sure you never go to a fraternity "Pig Party"
5 - Don't give others rides on the back of your Rascal.
6 - When helping out at someone elses funeral make sure the family is not angry with you first.
7 - Dieting is impossible
8 - Exercise is even more impossible
9 - Get used to your weight because it's too hard to lose it.
10-Always get the name of the gentleman that molesters you in the gym hot tub/steam room.
11-The Piggly Wiggly is a great place to pick up new music and men folks.
12-Fritos and BBQ can make anything instantly better
13-Those American Idol guys are the sexiest on the planet
14-Jail food sucks
15-Healthy food sucks
16-Vegetables suck
17-Other peoples prescriptions are a good way to self medicate
18-Home monitoring ankle bracelets are uncomfortable.
19-It's easy to fix a broken bra with some duct tape.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Footloose
I haven't posted inna couple of days because I have been enjoying sweet sweet freedom. Since they put that ankle monitoring thing on me I've been trying to figure out how to get it off. Because my leg is so healthy it took two bands linked together to put around my ankle sos I've been oiling it up and working it around until I gots it loose enough to slip off my leg and onto one of my cats, Adam. I have it looped loosely around Adam's collar and those screws will never know. Now it will just register me moving around the apartment while I'm really out doing what I want.
Getting around was still a big ole problem since the po-po took my Rascal but I figured out a way around that too. Call the Hoverround folks, who called my doctor, who wrote a scipt for it and Medicare approved it. I got my brand spanking new Hoverround with a special Slurpee holder and sharp looking leatherette uphostery.
Yesterday I took it to the Piggly Wiggly to shop for Pringles and Sprite and now I'm on my way to the all night Wal Mart. That copy of "For Your Entertainment" Carol gave me outside of the Piggly Wiggly got broke somehow and I need a new one. Carol is nowhere to be seen.
Tomorrow I'm off to Bingo and a Pancake supper at the church down the street. Those ladies are still checking on me, bringing me food and they've been hinting they have something good in store for me. Which would be awesome since everyone here is treating me lika sereal killer still.
Getting around was still a big ole problem since the po-po took my Rascal but I figured out a way around that too. Call the Hoverround folks, who called my doctor, who wrote a scipt for it and Medicare approved it. I got my brand spanking new Hoverround with a special Slurpee holder and sharp looking leatherette uphostery.
Yesterday I took it to the Piggly Wiggly to shop for Pringles and Sprite and now I'm on my way to the all night Wal Mart. That copy of "For Your Entertainment" Carol gave me outside of the Piggly Wiggly got broke somehow and I need a new one. Carol is nowhere to be seen.
Tomorrow I'm off to Bingo and a Pancake supper at the church down the street. Those ladies are still checking on me, bringing me food and they've been hinting they have something good in store for me. Which would be awesome since everyone here is treating me lika sereal killer still.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
In And Out
I ended up going to the ER this morning because those runs would just not stop! My bowels were like the Mississippi River flowing through Memphis, except not quite so muddy. Started wondering if I had contracted Ebolar or some trashy womens disease from those uppity skeleton whores so off I wents to the hospital.
The nice young (HOT!) doctors in the ER fussed and fretted, thinking I might have some serious problems with my poop chute. They said they only smelled something that ripe when there was ganggreen in their. I told them that I couldn't have ganggreen because I hadn't been gang-banged recently but none of them took the hint. They sent me off to Radiology to get a Barium Enema.
I was thrilled that I've lost more weight but they think it's just the pooping, says it's all water.
More young cute doctors! Lubing up my butt and putting a rubber hose in there. My lady parts got all het up as they manipulated my body and turned me thisaway and thataway. After the exam I purred out a request for a hot young kielbasa up my butt, got on all fours. To my delight one of those hotties started servicing me immediately, filling my hole hard but when I turned around it was just the janitor trying to poke my butt with the mop handle to make me move off the table and get dressed. I was sorely disappointed.
They didn't find nothing awrong with me, said I must just be super sinsitive to those sugar alcowholes in the chocolate. I got sent home with a bottle of Maalox.
Took the bus home and decided on some beenie weenies for dinner. I read someawhare that one of those snuty skeleton whore diet coaches said that beans were the 'go-to' food for dieting. Just as I was getting ready to eat my beenieweens Meagan arrived and conviskated them. She says that's not the kind of beans they meant.
So now Meagan is insisting I go to see a diet doctor as well as go to Curves every day. I agreed. I'm just so happy to be out of jail and around men and food again. Better go, it's UFC night and I have some Brock Lesnar to drool on.
The nice young (HOT!) doctors in the ER fussed and fretted, thinking I might have some serious problems with my poop chute. They said they only smelled something that ripe when there was ganggreen in their. I told them that I couldn't have ganggreen because I hadn't been gang-banged recently but none of them took the hint. They sent me off to Radiology to get a Barium Enema.
I was thrilled that I've lost more weight but they think it's just the pooping, says it's all water.
More young cute doctors! Lubing up my butt and putting a rubber hose in there. My lady parts got all het up as they manipulated my body and turned me thisaway and thataway. After the exam I purred out a request for a hot young kielbasa up my butt, got on all fours. To my delight one of those hotties started servicing me immediately, filling my hole hard but when I turned around it was just the janitor trying to poke my butt with the mop handle to make me move off the table and get dressed. I was sorely disappointed.
They didn't find nothing awrong with me, said I must just be super sinsitive to those sugar alcowholes in the chocolate. I got sent home with a bottle of Maalox.
Took the bus home and decided on some beenie weenies for dinner. I read someawhare that one of those snuty skeleton whore diet coaches said that beans were the 'go-to' food for dieting. Just as I was getting ready to eat my beenieweens Meagan arrived and conviskated them. She says that's not the kind of beans they meant.
So now Meagan is insisting I go to see a diet doctor as well as go to Curves every day. I agreed. I'm just so happy to be out of jail and around men and food again. Better go, it's UFC night and I have some Brock Lesnar to drool on.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Running
Just found out tonight why you shouldn't eat an entire box of Russell Stoverrs sugar free chocolates in one sitting. It gives you the worst cramps and diaahareeha, errr.. dieaareeha, em... the runs on the planet. My heinie has no more skin.
Bah Baloney & Bars
So okay. I'm finally home again after a month in the jailhouse. I was arrested on the charges of indencent exposure and sexual battery and a bunch of other nonsense. Apparently when I was busy having some fun in the hot tub those gellus dried up old prudes working at the gym were calling the cops lying about me. They arrested me, I went to the pokey & bonded out the next day.
Two days later my check to the bail bondsman bounced and they picked me up and made me stay in jail till I went to trial. Me! Swanky, classy, upper crust me!! Incarcerated with skeleton whores, hookers, crackheads and big old ugly lesbiens. No innnernet, no decent food, no safety. I kept to myself every day.
The one good thing is that I did lose five pounds on that awful food! Green baloney don't agree with my delicate constitution. Losin' a few pounds and avoiding getting pounded on by those low class hookers are the ONLY good to come from my stay.
After I went up before the judge to explain I was too classy of a lady for prison Meagan said the same nasty lies to the judge she said last time, that I'm clearly insane. The judge said that may be but now I'm a clearly insane sex offender. So he put me on probation and ordered me on home confinement. I have to wear an ankle monitor to make sure I go no further than the grocery store and doctor once a week. I am confined to the grounds of the apartment complex for the most part.
When I got home I've been super busy because the cat litter box was overflowing poop and pee, my cats were half-dead from starvation and they'd clawed up all my new Danny Gokey photos. So it's back to drooling on Adam Lamber again. I might have to give that Carol a call to see what I missed. I've been thinking about watching American Idol again too.
My social worker Meagan pointed out that none of this excuses me from dieting even as I'm banned for life from the hospital therapy workout gym. She's gotten me a membership over at Curves, all ladies and no pool and they made me sign a piece of paper agreeing not to sexually molest the other ladies. Damn, no men there at all.
Time to go shoppin, I'm totally out of food, even been fasting all day till I got the goop scraped out of the fridge. Stinks, a month of rotten food inside.
Back in the fray trying to diet again. Walking that careful trightrope between real food and losing it.
Two days later my check to the bail bondsman bounced and they picked me up and made me stay in jail till I went to trial. Me! Swanky, classy, upper crust me!! Incarcerated with skeleton whores, hookers, crackheads and big old ugly lesbiens. No innnernet, no decent food, no safety. I kept to myself every day.
The one good thing is that I did lose five pounds on that awful food! Green baloney don't agree with my delicate constitution. Losin' a few pounds and avoiding getting pounded on by those low class hookers are the ONLY good to come from my stay.
After I went up before the judge to explain I was too classy of a lady for prison Meagan said the same nasty lies to the judge she said last time, that I'm clearly insane. The judge said that may be but now I'm a clearly insane sex offender. So he put me on probation and ordered me on home confinement. I have to wear an ankle monitor to make sure I go no further than the grocery store and doctor once a week. I am confined to the grounds of the apartment complex for the most part.
When I got home I've been super busy because the cat litter box was overflowing poop and pee, my cats were half-dead from starvation and they'd clawed up all my new Danny Gokey photos. So it's back to drooling on Adam Lamber again. I might have to give that Carol a call to see what I missed. I've been thinking about watching American Idol again too.
My social worker Meagan pointed out that none of this excuses me from dieting even as I'm banned for life from the hospital therapy workout gym. She's gotten me a membership over at Curves, all ladies and no pool and they made me sign a piece of paper agreeing not to sexually molest the other ladies. Damn, no men there at all.
Time to go shoppin, I'm totally out of food, even been fasting all day till I got the goop scraped out of the fridge. Stinks, a month of rotten food inside.
Back in the fray trying to diet again. Walking that careful trightrope between real food and losing it.
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