One of the bestest things about Shitshewanna is leaving it go to the floating casino down river. Today I was excited to go down to the salon to get all fixed up for a night at the casino. I left Mary Lynn at her family home and took the rental car down to Trixie's Hairy Situation Salon, or is it a Saloon?
Had a VERY hard time finding the salloon, so much of a hard time that I had to stop at this weird store named 'Hippie Bob's' on the riverfront street. It was a HEAD SHOP! Lots of bongs, reefer stones, vaporizers, stinky insense, you name it. There was a guy there named Hippie Bob, silver dreadlocks to his knees wearing a Beatles Yellow Submarine Tee, frayed jeans and those stupid hippie sandals made of shredded leather and tires. He looked like he hadn't bathed since Woodstock and smelled like a goat humping a maragjewwanna plant. I'd decided to ask Bob to give me directions and see I could buy some perfume there. I thought I saw in his front window "Aromas Adjusted" but it turned out to read "Auras Adjusted" Told Hippie Bob off for false advertizing after he explained what an 'Aura' was.
I was trying to ask Hippie Bob for a crocheted tie dyed string bikini in size 6XXX when he told me my Aura really needed adjusting because I was nothing but negative energy, bullshit and lies. I told him to go lick another toad because I am perfect the way I am, a swanky plus-sized driver, model, writer, bon vivant. Hippie Bob failed to see my charms and started telling me to get the hell off his property because leeches like me, super fat people, were a drain on national resources and that we were killing Mother Nature with our overuse of resources and the strain on medical costs. Turns out Trixies was just across the street after all so I shook off the scents of patchouli oil and pot before entering the old fashioned looking salloon.
I was kinda of upset when I got to Trixies because it wasn't very swanky at all. It was in a building that looked like it was pre Civil War with white plastered bumpy walls and an uneven wooden floor. Smelled like the place ten thousand cans of Aqua Net went to die. The hair dryers were stacked up on cinder blocks and the saloon chairs were metal folding chairs. But what's a beautify gal going to do, gotta get the hair fixed for the doings up at the casino. But Trixie did a good job on my hair, I could pass for a younger, sexier, more glamorus Betty White now. She teased my hair extry high and added some sparkling pins with pink rhinestones glued to them.
The mani/pedi didn't go that well. She had a dishpan filled with cold water and added Palmolive to soak me in. Used a cheesegrater on my feet! Called them horny. she jus don't know. Cheap pink nail polish that she had to thin with nail polish remover before painting my hands and feetsies. She smeared chicken grease on my feet too, said she was all out of mosterizer stuff and my feet were tougher than mule titties.
Still, I look swell and classy so when darkness fell I donned my fabulous ball gown, put a twenty in my purse for the penny slot machines and drove out to the casino. I played the slots and drank for free on the casino's dime an endless line of Ghetto Blasters - Malibu coconut-flavored rum mixed with Deit Coke - you get twice as drunk in half the time and stay drunker longer because of the deit cokje.
After a while I realized the guys playing the craps table weren't paying much mind I started skimming the occasional drink off the underlip of the table. I took a few chips here and there too while I minged with the crowd. The place was filled with hateful skeleton whores wihtout any class so I was mostly alone. The men in the casino could not appreciate my specshul beauty.
Too bad because tonight I wore a cream satiny strapless gown with pink roses and green vines embordered on it, pink crocs with pink rhinestones glued on. I was hot. None of those uppity skeleton whores knew how to dress, most of them wore things you'd wear to shop in Wal Mart or to weed your garden, not tempt Lady Luck or to garner the attention of a hot piece of man meat.
But none of that mattered much because I saw the most gorgus sight, a man singing lead with the casino band could have been Carole's precious BB. He looked so much like Adam Lambert it was scary! I was transfixed, standing there quivering in shock, unable to speak, staring at that beaufiyu man meat. Before I knew what happened my hips started bucking like a broncos and I had an Adamgasm right on the Craps table. It was the sweetest thing of all times!!!!!!!!!!!! Security escorted me to the parking lot. Carole was right, there are homophobians in this world that ban Adam and all Adamgasms unfairly. Shouldn't they be more concerned with the hateful mamas duct taping their kids into their car or putting the filled with chloroform kids in the trunk so that they could gamble, drink and slut it up?
However hot I looked when I got back to Mary Lynns cousins house they were waiting up for me. Mary Lynn's cousin tore off my beautiiful ball gown, accusing me of stealing guest bathroom shower curtain, wrapping it around my body and pinning it into place with safety pins. What did she care? She has another shower curtain anyhoo! I couldnd't stay in a place like that with such common people so I took myself out to sleep in the car. Tomorrow we're leaving for my high school reunion, I warned Mary Lynn I'd want to leave before her cousin got up so don't be late. I know where the cousin keeps her purse so I tihnk about about to get a new ballgown for the reunion.
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