Veggietardians

Today was turrible!

I forgot to eat breakfast and by the time I remembered and got all hungry the only nearby food joint was Burger King. Asked for a Whopper with a fried egg on top for extra protein but the manager got all uppity, said they didn't do stuff like that. Figured I'd better go on down the road even if the battery in the old Rascal was getting weaker than Clay Aiken's handshake.

At least I had a little money today. After running over Esther's foot and waiting to hear if Marge was going to go to the big casino in the sky I went back to the community room and found a buncha change under the sofa cushions (plus Marge's purse, but no one has to know that, I'm just, ah, er, 'borrowing' the money) So I was in the money.

What to do, what to do, what would L Anne do? I felt peckish but I knew I didn't want a burger or taco, plus I'm trying so hard to diet. Thought about the deli counter at the Piggly Wiggly but I couldn't get near the place. Too bad, they have some mighty fine fried chicken. Some durn fool woman kept blocking the entrance, shouting and carrying a sign saying that Piggly Wiggly practiced discrimination against gay American Idols and their fans. She kept babbling about some gay man's penis, trying to hand me a home made CD and photo.

Then it hit me like a wall of hot studs trying to fill my tiny holes, I had to get on over to KFC and get a Double Down. It's all meat, it's protein and protein is supposed 'ta help you get skinny. It was de-lis-cious and they kind folks at KFC let me plug in my Rascal to recharge it before I returned to the apartments.

But when I got home there was a stranger waiting for me. I could just tell she and I were going to have some chicken bones to pick between us because she was the epitome of a stuck up skeleton whore. She had the nerve to follow me into my place and start lecturing me on nutrition. Turns out she's a social worker sent out by my Medicare doctor to make sure I'm dieting. She's my diet coach. She tells me if I don't cooperate with her I could lose my Medicare and my food stamps.

First, she wanted to know what I'd eaten today sos I told her, a Double Down, 3 Faygo chocolate diet cream sodas and nothing else. She pursed those thin dried out lips, nothing like my juicy luscious man-pleasing lips, and ordered me to stay away from fast food!!! Says that a Double Down ain't nothing but a slab of grease and fat.

She tells me I have to be eating mostly vegetables, not even fried, but FRESH!!! I tried to explain to her that I'm frightened of vegetables to the point where I cannot even be in the same room as them.. I'm allergic to vegetables. But this bitch is havin' none of that. She goes through my fridge and throws things out, even my Mountain Dew!

After she stripped my house of anything worth eating she took me back down to the Piggly Wiggly and bought all kinds of nasty, tasteless things with my food stamps. Rice cakes? Bah! They taste like hockey pucks.

I'm breaking out in big old welts just thinking about the fact that only a thin door of steel separates me from vegetables. I'm gonna starve!