Today was the pits, literally the pits. I weighed in at the gym before trying to walk in the pool track and I have not gained or lost an ounce in two weeks. I'm still 17 pounds down. Ugh. I guess I should make more of an effort not to eat. I cannot afford to get gastric banding like L Anne.
When I got home from the gym visit the coppers were waiting for me, waiting on my door. Turns out there have been a whole slew of complaints according to them about me and my Rascal driving. They know I ran over Esther's foot and that my arrival in the middle of the Canasta game on my Rascal triggered Marge's heart attack. They told me that Marge's family wants me charged with manslaughter for my role in her heart attack but they had to explain to the family that it would be difficult to prove in court.
The nice officers mentioned that there were reports of a large woman on a Rascal stealing a plate dinner from the Kiwanis fundraiser and racing through the Piggly Wiggly parking lot narrowly missing running over kids and pets. And another report of a woman on a Rascal crashing multiple private events at the Best Western. And yesterday, they apparently caught me on camera rolling down the street with Cyndia and the accident.
They said they had no option but to arrest me on a buncha charges, petit theft, assault with a deadly weapon, theft by impersonation and operating a motor vehicle on the street without license or registration plus, the capper, leaving the scene of an accident. They put me in the big police car in handcuffs, took me downtown and booked me. I'll never get that yucky fingerprint ink off my beautiful pink fingers.
I was incarcerated for most of the day until I called Meagan. She came down to the station and talked the cops into releasing me on my own recognize. They did take my Rascal and I will have to go to court but I'm out. Meagan kept arguing that someone as fat as me had to be out of their right mind in the first place and putting the mentally ill in jail for things they did while out of their mind was unethsatian or unethically.
Jail was miserable. The worst thing was the food and the people. The meals were stale white bread, stale baloney and almost rotten oranges. How can you keep body and soul together on such a meal of such mean serving sizes? It was yuck!
The holding cell I was in was filled with drunken skeleton whores sleeping off booze and prostitutes! I'm too high class of a person to be consorting with escorts! I hope I didn't pick up crabs or worse sitting on the toilet seat. Gonna douche with Lysol and then scrub down my body with Pine Sol. I think I have jailhouse stink on me now. This whole day was too humiliating for someone as high class as me.
Perhaps I should email L Anne and ask her how she handled all her time in the pokey for her various crimes. I would love to hear what the goddess has to say about jailing.
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