Piggums & Diet Tips

I spent this morning trolling the internet for dieting tips to get that Nazi Social Worker off my back. I'm still afraid to go into the kitchen anywhere near the refridgerator because I am afraid to be near vegatables.

There's all sorts of advice on the internet. There's even a hole bunch of contradicotry advice. One site said to stop eating and drink shakes. I wanted to try that but I cannot work out how you would lose weight considering a Mickey Dee's Triple Thick Chocolate shake in the largest size is at least 1160 calories each. They tell you to eat 4 shakes a day that is over 4400 calories in one day. Ain't gonna lose any weight.

It was hard chasing down L Anne Carrington weight loss tips and at first all I could find were some crappy articles about setting tables and how to have a book signing without sucking. Any book signing that didn't have food would suck anyhoo. Then I read she is a chocoholic so I figured I'd get some more of those Faygo diet chocolate cream sodas, but that would mean a trip back to the Piggly Wiggly. And Carol.

Carol loves Adam Lambert, who she keeps calling 'BB'. I named my cats for him after seeing him on Idol but Carol is all things Adam. I might get derailed from my diet duties if I stopped to talk again. Besides I need to call up the Piggly Wiggly first and see if they also have Xenadrine (L Anne recommendeded) or will I have to hit up Rite Aid.

I went to Walgreens and got Xenadrine, diet Dr Pepper, diet chocolates and new pair of flip flops for modivation when I smelled IT again. The IT was wonderful food, bbqed pig, dripping with succulent tangy bung barbeque sauce. There were tankards of creamy potato salad and macaroni salad slathered with gallons of mayonnaise! Coleslaw, buns, brownies, sauisages. I had a foodgasm right then and there before putting the Rascal in HIGH gear and hightailing over to the Kiwanis BBQ booth at the edge of the Piggly Wiggly parking lot.

With a days worth of hunger pulsing through my hot veins I snatched away a full go-box of the goodies from the hands of an elderly man wearing a silly hat. They stood there looking at me, all of them, as I rolled away like I was in the Indy 500 towards the wooded area behind my apartments. I knew it was wrong, I knew it was fattening but a force beyond my control took over and I ate that pork sandwich with sides and every bit of what was served up.

I was sad to note that I'd gotten barbeque sause all over my finest polyester muu-muu and flip flops. Tropical flowers with orange splashes of sause.

But I'm happy, happier than I've been in a coons age just to be full again. After the cops stop pounding on my door I'm going to put on a blindfold and clear all of those horrible health foods out of the fridge. I'll start this diet again tomorrow.