Slammed To The Mat!

This old last week was some big highs and some stupid confloptions.
First the high!

Billy Kidder and me done met up and I'm his official biographer and publicity agent! Billy caint pay me righyt now but did mention that it would pay off in the long run to boot. Tried to ask him what that meant but he started feeling poorly passed out pissed drunk and had dto leaves befdore I could get all the deets.

Didn't matter, I knew what I had to do and started to proceed visiting UFC training places to get Billy some fights and publicity. Made up flyers on my new coputer and posted them everywere in our town, One big word of advice doing this publicity thing, never lean over the industrial printer in  Kinkos while wearing a low cut top. Your boob will flop out and get caught up in the printing, feels just like gettinmg your titt caught in the mangle of an old fashioned washing machine. Don't ask me hows I knows.

The bad stuff happened yesterday as I was coming back from my last run taping up flyers advertising Billy's first three fights. I was tired but had planned on spending Friday night making him a Bebo profile and one of them MySpace pages for his fans. But as I drew near to the communitial room Mavis, the old lady from Memphis that claims Elvis Presley appears to her during the full moon, grabbed me, steering my Hoverround over to the door. She kept crowing about it being Miss Thursdays birthday party and that I could noit MISS it because someone brought one of those fudgy ice cream cakes.

Mavis would not take no for an answer and worked trhe handles of my Hoverround till I was inside.

Didn't want to attend because Miss Thursday and I have had tensions. Miss Thursday once flirted with Ridge McStudmuffins right in front of me. DIdn't like her none before that either. That tiny skeleton whore heifer with her silver hair almost shamefully shaved off like a lesbo just thinks she's all that and a pound of fudge. She's on eof the biggest gossipping biddies in the place and walks around iwth her nose in the air like she's smelling shit. THinks she's better than everyone else because some of her other six sisters are here. Her momma named all six of them after different days of the week, trying to be all clever like.

Thursday was sitting in the catbird seat on high, looking down her ugly pug nose at us like she was Queen Turd on the heap. When I wheeled in she started giggling beffore whispering to the rest of the old biddies. I couldn't catch every word but it so9unded like they were making fun of me for my working for Billy The Kidder.

I ignored them and started to eyeball that buffay~ But... it was all health food! Some sort of vomit looking stuff to put on the tortilla chips, *shudder* a fresh vegetable tray and fruit cut up to look like flowers on sticks. I wished Thursday a happy birthday and beat a path out of there! So glad I still had some baloney and Cheez Whiz left. Who can possibly like that rabbit food? Not me. If I have to be around Mavis and Miss Thursday there has to be decent food around to make it tolerable.

Billy The Kidder

The last few days since I found Juan cheating on me I've beenso down in the dumps that I havent wanted to do nothing. I didn't wathc UFC, I didnt bother with WWE Raw and I haven't picked up one L. Anne Carrington book to read. Nothin'. I' just sat arond and sulked, thinking about how good it coulda been with Juan and me.

But this morning I had the nbiggest of surprises! I rode on down to the Food Pantry because I'd run through my Food Stamps in one week my cabinets were getting bare.Thought I'd get a few things there and tomorrow is the USDA food delivery at the church, so I should be good til I get more money on my SNAP card.

I have to go to a different food pantry now because of those old biddies falsely but I did it accusing me of stealing brownie mix and bacon. This new one is closer to my house, newer, only been open six months and best of all noone knows me there they are fully stocked with all sorts of stuff the other joint didn't have.

After motoring in on my Hoverround and signing in I just sat off to the side thinking about Juan and hoping they would pack a lil sumin-sumin sweet in my bag. When they called me back to come get my bags I went slowly, still sad and heart-sore. But the man handing me my bags was GEORGOUS!!!!! He batted those dark eyes at me and said, "Here you go pretty lady!"

I noticed he had on a UFC t-shirt and started twalking to this big muscly hunkahunka man! His name was Billy Kidder, aka Billy The Kidder and he's training to be a UFC fighter here in my town! I volunteered to street team for him but he didn't have the faintiest idea what that is. He's volunteering two days a week at the food bank because he beat some random guy on the street almost to death in a steroid rage and the courts sentenced him to cummunity service is just a good-hearted darlin' man.

I feel happy and if I'd a been walking there would have been a new spring in my step. We're meeting at the local bar for happy hour Dean and Deluca's cafe area to plan my taking over as his publicity agent and street teammer tomorrow afternoon. What to wear, what to wear now that Fashion Bug is closed!

No Juan!

This morning I rode down to the Walmart on my Hoverround to get some more grape soda and oatcakes. Nice sunshiny day even though the melting snow started shorting out my Hoverround battery! Every now and then I would hear a spark and smell smoke and it would stop for a minute. But it did take me to the store and back okay.

The problem was that when I got to Walmart I had to pass a section of the store that was all leftover Valentines Day candies. I thought about getting a couple of boxes and eating all of them in minutes festooning myself with candies on my womanly naked body while I waited for Juan next Monday afternoon.

I could not have been more suprized when I saw Juan in that aisle and he wasn't looking at candy, he was making out with some stupid teenybopper, a skeleton whore teenyboper with dyed blonde hair, painted in cholo eyebrows and beet red lips. He was whispering to her and rubbing up against that tramp like a circus clown with an itchy boil on his ass.

Before I could help myself I threw my Hoverround in high gear and rammed both of them. Juan started shouting at me, calling me a "Low-co Put-ta", whatever that Mexican talk means, as I ran over his feet, crushing the tips of his fancy cowboy boots. The stupid slut said nothing, she kept screaming "Ieeeyaiiyaii!!" because my fist was mystereiously curled up in her hair, pulling it out it's dyed blond lengths.

The cops arrived and after they tore my hands out of the tramp's hair I was surprised to see how I'djust about snatched her bald. The officers took one look at me and sighed before saying, "Not you again!"

They escorted me and my Hoverround back to my apartment after I was booked and released on my own recognizins I'd tidied up a tad in the ladies room.

How could Juan want that beanpole tramp after he'd sampled my sumptious curves? My heart is broken and there's not enough Ding DOngs in this world to make it right again. I have no Juan.

New Love

The reason it took me a full week to get back online with that new computer is that I found a new love! It's just the most romantical story! I get to see my lover every Monday when he comes by to shovel snow, mow grass or mulch the flower beds.

Last Monday when I got home from Bestest Buy wiht my Sorny laptop I didn't get more done than the box opened. I'd stopped with the computer thing to have a snack, a can of frosting spread over Little Debbie oatmeal snack cakes and grape soda. Hey, oatmeal is good for you and grapes are a fruit, sos I'm thinking this was a healthy step in the right direction.

My front door burstsed open and in staggered my new man, Juan, Juan Com, is what I think he said his name is. He musta been exhausted from salting the sidewalks and getting ready for the big snow because he staggered forward and looked at me with bleary eyes and said, "Kay".

He was so handsome with those dark soulful eyes that I could just tell it was love at first sight. I gave him some grape soda, he sat on my sofa and joined in on my afternoon snack. Our hands met over the last oatmeal cake. He took it, licked off some of the frosting and started hand feeding me it. His hands were still really shaky so I ended up with the icing all over my face, but Juan licked it off before taking me to the bedroom!

Yesterday after he finished getting rid of the rest of the snow on the sidewalks Juan visited me again, takening me to a firy Latin place in my loins~ Jalapeno! Taco! Chile! I was screaming for mercy and release in the only Mexican words I know.

New Computer, New ME!

I haven't been around or able to update my blog because my laptop busted and I had to turn a pile of tricks save up from my disability checks to buy a new one. A week ago I went on down to the Best Buy next to the Piggly Wiggly and bought a new netbook. Keyboard is kinda small like but I thinki I'm gettin used to it.

The trip was trouble and nothing but trouble. I had to ride my Hoverround across the city, up and down cracked and uneven sidewalks to get my new 'puter. Good thing I lostabout 15 pounds recently, so the battery did last longer than usual.

I'm so hawt now that I've trimmed up that people kept waving and honking at me while I was riding across town. Made my delicate ladie regions heat up knowing that some many men walked congress with me. 

Which brings me to the place I left off in this blog, back last springtime when I last wrote I was getting settled back in my old apartment complex, but instead of being stuck in the middle of nosyville my new appartment is at the end of the row, fatherest from the enterance so I no longer have as much problems with miserable nosy old peahens and manstealers.

A couple of weeks after I moved in Eddie showed up. We hit it off real REAL nice and he moved in with me. We sent the spring, summer and almost into the fall close as two love birds can be but things got a little strerange once I got knocked up again with twins. He bolted on me, muttering something about 'ain't gonna be nobodies daddy!' Haven't seen him since. TUrns out I'd just miscalculated the days, no peechee, no peewees for me!

I miss him. There's no one steady in my life to play Pop Goes the Dildo or Hide the Hotdog with now..

He left me on Halloween, which semes like it's always the worst day o' the year. He left me crying big old tears into a mound of Snickers bars. I'll never forgive him and the management here served him with a no contACT order for bewing so mean to me.

But I didn't have no time to cry, the next day it sleeted here and I slipped on the ice, falling face first down as soon as I stepped off my Hoverround at the mail boxes. I broke my wirsts, my elbows, my knees and both of my ankles. Edna, that old peahen that tries to take my admirers started shouting at me to stop singing that rock in roll music while I howled in pain. Mr. Bussdriver called the ambulance for me and they took me to the hospital, which put casts everywhere and sent me over to the surgical rehab center.

Six weeks flat on my back wiht one of my legs in traction! In a rehab place with old timers!~ No hot guys, no L Anne's "Cougars and Studs" books and about to go out of my cotton picking mind! Once the casts came off it was even worse! The physical therapy skeleton whores started marching into my room and forcing me to go down to the pt room and do EXERCISES!!!! I kept trying to tell them I was allergic to exercising, it breaks me out in hives,but after awhile it was obgious the only way I'd be able to blow this popcycle stand was to do what they wanted.

BY the time they let me out I was going plumb stir crazy from eating all that horibble health food, brocolli, steamed carrots, Ugh - skinless chilken breasts~ No GOOD food.

Meagan my social worker had made sure my apartment stayed mine while I was away and tried to take me to get food but I refused, didn't want her to fill my fridge withthat awful brocolli again. YOu can only eat that stuff if you cover it with Vellveta! It is vile!

Got home and my puter was dead. Nuts.

I'll tell the rest of my tale tomorrow. It's ten minutes to Wheel of FOrtune and I just know one day they'll pick my name for the daily 5K drawing. Gotta go!

Ms BBW Frankenberry

Haven't been around much lately because I've been  in prison again working as Miss Frankenberry in stores across my state. I was convicted of attempted sexual battery on the bakery guys nominated as a great beauty by the cereal company to represent their brand and hand out coupons and samples. I was in county lock-up touring the grocerty stores. Unfortunately since I was locked up for being a sexual predator busy traveling I had to give up my new apartment. I don' know how she did it but Meagan managed to get me back in my old federally funded elderly and handicapped apartment complex by charm and the nekkid photos she has of the manager.

I'm back, I'm settling in, I'm large and in charge. Looking forward to the first bingo night. Wonder where I stashed Eddie's phone number?

On another front I'm seriously thinking about going back to my high school reunion with Tiny Joe and Stinky. They are organiuzing it this year again. I just have to figure out a ways to the Detroit area. St. Melba of the Holy Toast School  Reformatory. Guess I'll post an add on Craigs List looking for a ride or offering to drive someone that cain't drive to that area so I can get to the reunion for free.

For now I have a pile of Lori Anne Carrington books to read and I hear tell Lori is now on some youtube type show. I just have to figure out which one.

Home Sweat Home

For once Meagan did what she promised. She got me an apartment in a small section H-8 housing complex that was all seniors and disabled regular folks. It's not a big complex like the one I was in when I first starteda blogging.

This place is about maybe forty aparments, two stories, on a thin slice of street between two converging rivers. It's tannish brick and all the places are one bedroom. No community centers, no snobby pea hens trying to play canasta, eat dainties, cheat at their games and gossip. That's the good stuff.

Now for the bad. On one side we gots a auto body shop and on the other a big commercial bread bakery. So we got to put up with the banging and clanging of the auto shop during the day and the tantalizing smell of fresh baking bread all night. There are some hot guys working at both places and I can see the bakery from my bedroom window.

The place is okay, a little small, but it's all  mine! Meagan got me some sort of a victim of crime (because of the cult) stipend to start over. She took me down to the Goodwill local nice dept store to pick out furniture and stuff I needed with the money. Now I'm set up on my own, not alot of stuff yet but the start, including a new wardrobe. Plus it turns out that some of my belongings were put in storage while I was away so I didn't need as much as I thought I might! All my good men-lurin' undies and L Anne Carrington books were intact.

It's taken me the better part of this week to settle in and get the place just the way I like it.  But I've had to sleep in because the bakery men are keeping me awake all night, the smells and I see them when they come out to catch a smoke. Wonder what's the best way to strike up a conversation with one of those studs.