My Chevette

I haven't been posting because I've been busy with my new toy. The ladies of the church gave me a deceased member's old car, a Chevette. The stuffing is coming out of the upholstery, duct tape holds on some of the pieces and the paint is peeling something fierce but it means sweet sweet freedom. I've been driving all over timbuktu. I even drove it across town to the new doctor this morning to get some of them dieting pills.

It's opened up a whole new world to me. Now I can drive over to Aldi's and get their food. My food stamps go a lot farther there than the Piggly Wiggly. Only problem is that sometimes those awful Duggar type families are in there with their gazillion kids grabbing all the bags of tator tots and candy. I started going early just to make sure they are busy homeskooling and not getting my way. Too hard to use the Hoverround when there are fifty kids in each aisle.

The courts still don't know that my cat Adam is wearing the home monitoring ankle bracelet and I ain't telling them. The thing chafed and smelled like criminals. Horrible skeleton whore criminals.

I've decided while I'm working hard on losing weight I'm going to emulate my hero and write a book on turning fifty. So what have I learned in the last year since I turned fifty? Lots of stuff.

1 - Don't fry bacon while nekkid.
2 - On a hot day when you're riding your Rascal you should put a little baby powder on the seat to keep from sticking and making those embarrassing fart noises when you stand up.
3 - Churches are a good place to get food and other help.
4 - Make sure you never go to a fraternity "Pig Party"
5 - Don't give others rides on the back of your Rascal.
6 - When helping out at someone elses funeral make sure the family is not angry with you first.
7 - Dieting is impossible
8 - Exercise is even more impossible
9 - Get used to your weight because it's too hard to lose it.
10-Always get the name of the gentleman that molesters you in the gym hot tub/steam room.
11-The Piggly Wiggly is a great place to pick up new music and men folks.
12-Fritos and BBQ can make anything instantly better
13-Those American Idol guys are the sexiest on the planet
14-Jail food sucks
15-Healthy food sucks
16-Vegetables suck
17-Other peoples prescriptions are a good way to self medicate
18-Home monitoring ankle bracelets are uncomfortable.
19-It's easy to fix a broken bra with some duct tape.